I was not going to publish this post, this was supposed to be something just for me, but I think, since this blog is a my digital diary, I will publish it.

I think I am suffering from depression. This is not my imagination, but something that’s been bothering me for a while now – in fact from the beginning of this year. On hindsight, this was one of the biggest reasons I left my previous jobs, thinking a change of place and pace would ease all that was happening inside me. Web MD defines depression as “Depression is a serious and pervasive mood disorder. It causes feelings of sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. Depression can be mild to moderate with symptoms of apathy, little appetite, difficulty sleeping, low self-esteem, and low-grade fatigue. Or it can be more severe.”

Depression is apparently more common in women than in men and twice as many women are likely to develop clinical depression as compared to me. Some of the symptoms of depression are:

• persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
• sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening
• appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down”
• thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
• difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Image from Wikipedia

I’ve mentioned before just how toxic the environment was in my previous place and I think that environment was the cause for all this. The way I was treated in my previous work place is the underlying cause for this. I have now decided that after they give me the one thing I still haven’t gotten from them – my testimonial – I will cut all contact with the organisation and the people there. Unfortunately quite a bit of my coworkers are my friends on Facebook and now I have to decide how to get rid of them from my life without seeming to get rid of them. Any ideas?

The symptoms that I’ve been experiencing look like this – No interest in anything any more, especially the things I used to enjoy doing; Sleep patterns all over the place. Most of the time, I just want to sleep – even if I have just gotten off bed less than a couple of hours back. Then some days I just can’t sleep at night even if I am yawning away to kingdom come!; No energy to do anything and a feeling of tiredness all the time

I just took this test at the Health Promotion Board website and my test results reads “Your responses suggest that you have some depressive symptoms. You may feel down from time to time but these symptoms are unlikely to impair your daily function. It might be wise to reassess your symptoms in a few weeks.”

I told S about this yesterday and he wants me to see a doctor this week. I’m not sure if I want to, but in this case, I guess I may just have to give in.

I initially wrote this post yesterday and didn’t want to publish it. But looking back, the very act of putting my feelings down on paper has put me on the path to healing! I’ll go and see a doctor today but I know in my gut, I will get better soon