Category Archives: Parenting

Happy 16th Birthday! A Letter to BB & GG

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I was going to post something else today, but then I realised that I had not done my yearly letter to GG & BB on their birthday, so decided to post this today. In case you want to read previous birthday letters, here are the links to the 15th and 14th birthdays.

Dear GG and BB,

You both are sixteen today. I can’t believe it’s been 16 years since the day I first held you both in my hands for the very first time and became a mum. When you were born, I was scared about how I am going to bring you both up, if I will be able to keep you both alive, happy and well-fed. But you both have grown up to be great young adults and I feel your dad and I have done a good job.

GG, you are growing up to be an amazing young lady. You are beautiful, both inside and out and confident, smart, and well-liked by everyone. You take pride in what you do and make sure you give it your best shot.

I am very proud of your achievements in secondary school. When you come back with yet another certificate or when your form teacher tells me why you were nominated for the model student award in spite of having classmates who are better than you academically, I felt like tearing up because I was so proud and happy. The moment when I saw that you cracked the early admission exercise for your course of choice was another super happy moment. You were one of the few who managed to wow your future lecturers with your passion and knowledge of the subject. Be proud of what you have achieved, but also look forward to new mountains to conquer and keep that fighting and competitive spirit alive.

BB, you are my happy pill. I have rarely seen you get angry as you are a happy-go lucky boy. Even when GG used to bully you when you were younger, you would just move away from her and not retaliate. You still do that and I love your laid back attitude, your always smiling and happy face and your loving heart. You still give hugs and kisses, even though its considered passé by boys your age and are always smiling and happy.

If you want something, you can really put your mind to it. Case in point is your recent early admission exercise to your dream course. You are one more step closer to achieving your dream to become a part of the aeronautical industry. You know I teared up when you called me with the news and I know you were so thrilled that you could not speak for a few seconds, that’s how excited you were.

I know you made an impact on the panel that was discussing the candidates who are worthy of an early admission and are one of those few who showcased their passion for this industry and got an admission even before you sit for your O level exams. This definitely takes away some heat away from you towards getting the grades needed, but I push you more than I do GG because I know you are capable of far more than what you are currently achieving. I don’t want you to settle for something, rather I want you to reach for the stars and become as successful as you deserve to be.

You both are on the cusp of adulthood and as you move from the safe environment of school to the more adult environments of tertiary education, here is some advice from someone who has seen more of life than you.

Know yourself. Dig deep inside yourself and find out who you really are. Find out what your passions are (though to a large extent, you do know what you like, but passions change and likes and dislikes evolve over years, so keep reaching inside and check in once a while). Know what your strengths and weaknesses are and work towards enhancing your strengths and minimising or working towards eliminating your weaknesses.

Always be true to yourself. You are unique and there’s no one like you in the entire universe. Embrace what makes you, you and special and never compromise on your personal integrity. Learn to navigate this world, but on your own terms. Don’t be a people pleaser, but always keep friendly terms with everyone around you. Believe in yourself and the fact that you can do anything you set your mind to. Your self-determination, coupled with hard work, self-confidence and a positive attitude will take you far in life.

Push yourself. Make sure you push yourself out of your comfort zone and push yourself to excel in everything you do. Be cautious, but not at the cost of having regrets later. Failure is nothing more than a stepping stone to success. Einstein failed 99 times before tasting success so don’t fear failure. Learn from your mistakes and know that’s another way not to do something. Keep trying and you will find success. Put yourself out there and explore the unknown. This is especially true in your twenties when you are not really burdened by life’s realities. Take calculated risks at this point and push yourself to the max and success will soon kiss your feet.

Keep learning. Learning does not end when you finish studying. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to stop learning. Continue to educate yourself, both in the hard knowledge of the industry you are in and the soft skills you need to succeed in the corporate world. Watch and listen all the time and learn from everything and everyone. Every second of life is a learning experience. Just be genuine to the people around you and treat everyone with the same respect, whether the most exalted or the most ordinary person you encounter. Make a pact to learn something new each day.

Practice gratitude. Be grateful for the world around you, be grateful for where you have some from and where you currently are. Try to thank some part of your life daily and you will find youself happier for it.

At the end of the day, find your Ikigai, your reason for being, your purpose in life. When you reach that magical space where passion, mission, vocation and profession collide, life will become so much more meaningful and special. I hope and wish with all my heart that you soon find this space and I promise that I will do all that I can to help you get there.

BB & GG, I wish you the best of birthdays and exciting times ahead as you start a new and exciting time in your lives. Thank you for coming into our lives and our lives have become so much better because of you too.

Happy Birthday and may you get all that you aspire to

Snow Plow Parenting: Making life easier for their children

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I recently came across this term “Snow Plow Parent” while reading an article online and was intrigued with the term.

The “Snow plow parent” is defined as a person who constantly forces obstacles out of their kids’ paths. They have their eye on the future success of their child, and anyone or anything that stands in their way has to be removed. Other terms used for this type of parenting are bulldozer parenting and lawnmower parenting.

I actually didn’t think this was very wrong, as most of us parents do help our children and try to make their lives as easy as possible. I am myself a snow plow parents, but how serious this is, I am not sure.

Similar to helicopter parenting, snow plow parents also hover and micro-manage their children’s lives, but they do it with an eye to the future. They want to remove any pain or difficulties from their children’s paths so that their kids can succeed. They are the parents sitting in the principal’s office asking about extra courses or for special allowances for their child. According to educators, there is a sense of entitlement to snow plowers: They blame the school when things go wrong and never accept anything less than first place for their child.

Research shows that helicopter parenting can have a negative effect on kids. They are less resilient, and less likely to take risks. They never develop proper coping skills or the maturity to make decisions on their own. Experts fear that children of snow plow parents will have similar issues—they won’t be able to handle failure or solve problems independently. Kids of snow plow parents may quit something instead of settling for second best.

It is said that snow plow parents go to whatever lengths necessary to prevent their child from having to face adversity, struggle, or failure and that this parenting style really focuses on short-time goals for parents and their kids. Their question is, “If I could make this easier for my child, why wouldn’t I do that?” And I ask why not?

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I do agree that sometimes focusing on short-term parenting goals will take away from the practice of important, long-term goals that kids can benefit from like resiliency, grit, problem-solving, conflict resolution and coping skills. A child, if capable, should learn to advocate for themselves. When parents remove obstacles for their child they are really taking away that opportunity for kids to learn those problem-solving techniques.

These parents often have good intentions and are motivated by not wanting their children to experience struggle. But, these habits don’t provide a foundation for long-term happiness, they can actually strengthen a child’s anxiety of failure. 

I personally don’t feel that there is anything wrong in being a snow plow parent. Even though BB & GG turn 16 this year, I still drop them when they need to get to someplace which is either too far to get there by public transport or is someplace difficult to get to (I mean multiple transfers and unreliable buses). I also helped them edit their early application statements so that they have the best shot at getting an admission into the course of their choice. Though I think I will stop short of being that parent who reaches out to their professors and lecturers when they start tertiary education (or will I?)

I know that they are getting older and hence I need to loosen the apron strings. I am trying, but I also know that as teens, they don’t know (or probably don’t care enough) to see what lies ahead. It’s going to take a while, at least for me, but I hope that by the time GG & BB reach university, I have taught them well enough that they take the right actions to reach their version of success.

Again, culturally most Indian parents are snow plowers by nature and I guess I still have enough Indianness in me that I am programmed to think like that. I don’t want them to make the mistakes I made in life and live to regret it, so If I can share what they should and should not do to get ahead of the rat race, then as I see it, why not?

This is probably one of the most controversial subjects I have written about and one where I have not been objective, because I just could not be with such a topic. Are you a parent who tries to make life a little easy for your child? Let me know in the comments below.

15th Birthday Letter to GG & BB

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Happy birthday GG & BB! You turned 15 over the weekend and as it happens every year, I can’t help but think of the two little babies I brought into this world who would fit comfortably in the crook of my arms. You’ve both grown up so much now, with BB towering more than a head over me. GG, who is my little chilli padi is still slightly miffed at the genes she got handed out at birth which makes her only chest high to her brother, but you are a feisty girl who is slowing becoming a lovely, graceful, but still a very feisty young woman.

Fifteen years back, I fell in love, irrevocably and completely and this feeling has only intensified in the intervening years. I can still remember the first words I uttered when I woke up from my anaesthesia were about you both and since that second, your well-being and happiness has been the absolute priority in my life.

Some days I lie in bed and start to worry and freak out. You both are fifteen now and only a few years away from legal adulthood. Very soon, you will finish school and life as I know it will end. You both will become more independent and mum will only be a peripheral part of your lives. I don’t know if I am ready for these changes yet. BB will go on to do his National Service in 3-4 years (depending on what educational route you take to after your O levels) and then will change into a man! I will surely miss my sweet little boy, but I can’t stop nature having her way, right?

BB, you are a sweetheart and I don’t say this because I am your mum and am biased (well, that too). You are one of the sweetest boys I have met (and thanks to you I have met many) who does not have a bad bone in his head or his heart. You always think the best of everyone and even when you get bullied, you’d rather just brush it off or keep it to yourself just because you don’t want to get someone in trouble. But you should learn to take a stand. When you leave the protected environment of your school and go out into the world, you will soon realise man comes in many forms and so when you don’t learn to stand up for yourself, you may find yourself pushed down to the bottom of the barrel.

GG, you are such a sweetheart, so giving and caring. You own each room when you enter it because of your personality. You are a natural leader, something I always knew and I am glad this year you got to showcase it to others when you became the Vice President of your CCA. You have a wonderful work ethic, one that will be an asset to you in the years to come. I have no doubt that irrespective of the career path you choose, you will become someone who is very successful (whatever your definition of success is). I know you dislike certain subjects in school, but you still work hard on those just because you have a natural desire to excel and set personal high standards for yourself. Keep doing that and success will kiss your feet always.

Happy birthday to my sweethearts! It was your birthday, but my present has and always has been the two of you – the best thing in my life!

Parenting: When teens push your buttons

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By their very definition and age, teens tend to be self-centred and when they are in this phase, they tend to be rude and curt to people around them, including parents and this, in turn, makes people think, they are being disrespectful. But this a phase, which they outgrow once they become older and thus, more mature and learn to navigate the pitfalls of social conversations.

While I won’t say BB & GG are outright disrespectful, they do, at times, push as many buttons as they can, to see how much they can get away with. I looked and searched online for ideas I can implement at home to nip this in the bud and at the same time, teach them life skills.

We have to understand that this is happening to pretty much every child who enters the teenage years and so as parents and rational adults, we need to tackle this calmly without really reacting to their rude behaviour. They will try and push boundaries, it’s in their blood, but remember, we do not stoop to their level and react and act like them.

Focus on the behaviour and not on the person behaving and set clear rules on what constitutes good behaviour. Also, make sure your teen knows the consequences of bad behaviour and make sure you go through on those consequences when rules are broken.

Be a role model to your child, model the same behaviour you want to see in your child

Ignore mild forms of disrespect. It’s best to ignore mild forms of disrespect like rolling eyes, not replying to questions, shrugging shoulders etc. Ignoring such behaviour will let them know that you don’t give importance to such behaviour and hopefully, this kind of behaviour will peter off gradually.

Speak to them, often and even when they are uncommunicative. I always ask GG & BB how their day was and more often than not, the response I get is either, ‘the usual’ or ‘nothing much’. I don’t give up and sit and ask them in detail and with this try to open communication channels between us. It’s easier with GG (maybe because she is a girl) than BB, but I am not giving up and hope there will be a day when he is as much a chatty Kathy as GG is.

Hope these tips are useful for you when you are dealing with an uncommunicative and unresponsive teen. Do comment below on how you deal with your teen!

Teens and Smart Devices

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Over the last week, I have been thinking very hard on this topic since it’s something that’s close to my heart these days. BB is always on a smart device, either his phone or laptop from the time he wakes up until he has to be pushed to keep them aside and go to bed. I have already tried some techniques, which I will elaborate below, but that was not enough, I needed some more ammunition to get him to concentrate on school work and not just play games on his devices. So here’s a summary of what I found.

BB and GG belong to a generation who are digital natives and they have not lived a life where they didn’t have access to the internet or didn’t have a life which was not online. So it does become slightly difficult to get them to draw a line between the real and virtual worlds. This is a generation, who after coming back from school, start speaking to their friends online, those friends whom they just saw as little as a few minutes back!

 

After reading up on what I, as a parent can do, I have come to the conclusion that unless the teen is very mature, there’s not much we can do. All we can do is keep reiterating and hope it ends someplace inside their head and they are able to understand what we are trying to say to them.

 

Some of the things I have already implemented include bedtimes not later than 10 pm for both of them, especially during a school night, the charging of their mobile phones outside their rooms (actually my room so I know they don’t use their phone later), no laptops or other electronic devices inside their room after bedtime and also have installed a smartphone locking app in their phones. I use OurPact, which, when I first downloaded it more than two years back, I could use on both phones from my phone. I understand that these days only one child phone can be monitored from a parent’s phone using the free version. The children are not allowed to remove OurPact from their phones and the penalty for doing so will mean that phone privileges are revoked.

What else can I do?

I am going to try to get them to keep their phones aside for a fixed amount of time, starting from 15 minutes initially and then going up. They are used to keeping their phones switched off in school, so I am hoping this should not be too difficult for them.

Another thing I am going to implement is making them keep their phones in a drawer when they are doing school work and studying. This may be slightly difficult to implement (because I have already tried this), but I am going to continue to keep trying. They have songs downloaded on their phones, but still, want to access YouTube to listen to music.

I am still looking for solutions which I can, as a parent implement to cut down on my children’s smart device usage. Do you have any innovative and out of the box ideas that I can use? Please do comment below so I can implement them!