Tag Archives: Psychology

In My Hands Today…

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Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life – Nir Eyal and Julie Li

You sit down at your desk to work on an important project, but a notification on your phone interrupts your morning. Later, as you’re about to get back to work, a colleague taps you on the shoulder to chat. At home, screens get in the way of quality time with your family. Another day goes by, and once again, your most important personal and professional goals are put on hold.

What would be possible if you followed through on your best intentions? What could you accomplish if you could stay focused and overcome distractions? What if you had the power to become “indistractable”?

International best-selling author, former Stanford lecturer, and behavioral design expert, Nir Eyal, wrote Silicon Valley’s handbook for making technology habit-forming. Five years after publishing Hooked, Eyal reveals distraction’s Achilles’ heel in his groundbreaking new book.

In Indistractable, Eyal reveals the hidden psychology driving us to distraction. He describes why solving the problem is not as simple as swearing off our devices: Abstinence is impractical and often makes us want more.

Eyal lays bare the secret of finally doing what you say you will do with a four-step, research-backed model. Indistractable reveals the key to getting the best out of technology, without letting it get the best of us.

Inside, Eyal overturns conventional wisdom and reveals:

Why distraction at work is a symptom of a dysfunctional company culture – and how to fix it
What really drives human behavior and why “time management is pain management”
Why your relationships (and your sex life) depend on you becoming indistractable
How to raise indistractable children in an increasingly distracting world
Empowering and optimistic, Indistractable provides practical, novel techniques to control your time and attention – helping you live the life you really want.

Choice Overload Effect

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As with many of my writing inspirations, I came across the term Choice Overload in a book I was reading and it intrigued me enough to find out more. And when I did, I knew I had to write this piece and share it with you all.

Choice overload or overchoice, choice paralysis or the paradox of choice is a cognitive impairment in which people have a difficult time making a decision when faced with many options. While we tend to assume that more choice is a good thing, in many cases, research has shown that we have a harder time choosing from a larger array of options.

The term was first introduced by Alvin Toffler in his 1970 book, Future Shock, but the phenomenon has come under some criticism due to increased scrutiny of scientific research related to the replication crisis and has not been adequately reproduced by subsequent research, thereby calling into question its validity.

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The phenomenon of choice overload or overchoice occurs when many equivalent choices are available and making a decision becomes overwhelming due to the many potential outcomes and risks that may result from making the wrong choice. Having too many approximately equally good options is mentally draining because each option must be weighed against alternatives to select the best one. The satisfaction of choices by many options available can be described by an inverted U model, where having no choice results in very low satisfaction. Initially, more choices lead to more satisfaction, but as the number of choices increases it then peaks and people tend to feel more pressure, confusion, and potentially dissatisfaction with their choice. Although larger choice sets can be initially appealing, smaller choice sets lead to increased satisfaction and reduced regret. Another component of overchoice is the perception of time. Extensive choice sets can seem even more difficult with a limited time constraint. Overchoice has been associated with unhappiness, decision fatigue, going with the default option, as well as choice deferral or avoiding making a decision altogether, such as not buying a product. Choice overload can be counteracted by simplifying choice attributes or the number of available options. However, some studies on consumer products suggest that, paradoxically, the greater choice should be offered in product domains in which people tend to feel ignorant like wine, whereas less choice should be provided in domains in which people tend to feel knowledgeable like soft drinks. Many of the increased options in our lives can be attributed to modern technology as in today’s society we have easy access to more information, products and opportunities.

Choice overload is not a problem in all cases, some preconditions must be met before the effect can take place. First, people making the choice must not have a clear prior preference for an item type or category. When the choice-maker has a preference, the number of options has little impact on the final decision and satisfaction. Second, there must not be a dominant option in the choice set, meaning that all options must be perceived of equivalent quality. One option cannot stand out as being better than the rest. The presence of a superior option and many fewer desirable options will result in a more satisfying decision. Third, there is a negative relationship between choice assortment or quantity and satisfaction only in people less familiar with the choice set. This means that if the person making a choice has expertise in the subject matter, they can more easily sort through the options and not be overwhelmed by the variety.

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In his book “The Paradox of Choice,” Schwartz outlines the steps of decision making which start from figuring out goals to evaluating the importance of each goal and moves on to arraying the options according to how well they meet each goal and then evaluating how likely each of the options is to meet the goals and finally to picking the winning option. The problem is, the more options one has, the harder it is to make a comparison across products. If one has to compare an item across 50 dimensions instead of 3, there’s a risk they’re missing out on “the one.” That’s the paradox — having a variety of options is good, it drives customer consideration. But once the number of choices gets too high, a person’s happiness goes down.

Choice overload is reversed when people choose for another person. It was found that overload is context-dependent: choosing from many alternatives by itself is not demotivating, it is not always a case of whether choices differ for the self and others at risk, but rather according to a selective focus on positive and negative information. Evidence shows there is a different regulatory focus for others compared to the self in decision-making. Therefore, there may be substantial implications for a variety of psychological processes about self-other decision-making. Among personal decision-makers, a prevention focus is activated and people are more satisfied with their choices after choosing among a few options compared to many options, i.e. choice overload. However, individuals experience a reverse choice overload effect when acting as proxy decision-makers.

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The psychological phenomenon of overchoice can most often be seen in economic applications. Having more choices, such as a vast amount of goods and services available, appears to be appealing initially, but too many choices can make decisions more difficult. A consumer can only process seven items at a time, after that the consumer would have to create a coping strategy to make an informed decision. This can lead to consumers being indecisive, unhappy, and even refraining from making the choice or purchase at all. Alvin Toffler noted that as the choice turns to overchoice, “freedom of more choices” becomes the opposite — the “unfreedom”. Often, a customer decides without sufficiently researching his choices, which may often require days. When confronted with too many choices especially under a time constraint, many people prefer to make no choice at all, even if making a choice would lead to a better outcome.

Too much choice is the cause of mental anguish for some people. Economist Herman Simon theorised those decision-making styles fall into two types. The Satisficers are people who would rather make an “ok decision” than the perfect decision. They’ve spent some time considering their options, but haven’t belaboured the process. They tend to be more satisfied with their choice because they don’t consider all the available information. Satisficers settle for an option that’s “good enough” and move on. Satisficers decide once their criteria are met; when they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. The Maximizers on the other hand are those who want to make the best possible decision. They can’t choose until they’ve deeply examined every possible option. Research from Swarthmore College found that Maximizers reported significantly less life satisfaction, happiness, optimism, and self-esteem. They also experienced much higher levels of and regret and depression than Satisficers. The more options people have, the more likely they are to be disappointed in their choice. You never feel that you made the best decision because there were too many options to consider.

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There are two steps involved in choosing to purchase. First, the consumer selects an assortment. Second, the consumer chooses an option within the assortment. Variety and complexity vary in their importance in carrying out these steps successfully, resulting in the consumer deciding to make a purchase. Variety is the positive aspect of assortment. When selecting an assortment during the perception stage, the first stage of deciding, consumers want more variety. Complexity is the negative aspect of assortment. Complexity is important for the second step in making a choice—when a consumer needs to choose an option from an assortment. When choosing an individual item within an assortment, too much variety increases complexity. This can cause a consumer to delay or opt-out of making a decision.

Images are processed as a whole when making a purchasing decision. This means they require less mental effort to be processed which gives the consumer a sense that the information is being processed faster. Consumers prefer this visual shortcut to process, termed “visual heuristic”, no matter how big the choice set size. Images increase our perceived variety of options. Variety is good when making the first step of choosing an assortment. On the other hand, verbal descriptions are processed in a way that the words that make up a sentence are perceived individually. That is, our minds string words along to develop our understanding. In larger choice sets where there is more variety, perceived complexity decreases when verbal descriptions are used.

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Retailers and manufacturers can combat Choice Overload by offering fewer options which may seem counterintuitive in today’s age of personalization with more options needed to be limited to maximize sales. For example, Procter & Gamble found that a decrease in the number of Head & Shoulders varieties resulted in a 10% increase in revenue. They need to make it easy to compare features across products so it becomes easy for customers to choose between non-equal options and frame the use of each.

The choice is a good thing, but when we are faced with too many of them, we get into a sort of analysis paralysis which makes choosing something extremely difficult and we soon start to second guess our choices. When the number of options available is limited, it does take away that complexity we have in making choices, but with the reduction in choices, as consumers, it makes it easy to make a decision and, in the end, it’s this reduction in complexity that will smooth the way.

In My Hands Today…

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Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life – Christie Tate

Christie Tate had just been named the top student in her law school class and finally had her eating disorder under control. Why then was she driving through Chicago fantasizing about her own death? Why was she envisioning putting an end to the isolation and sadness that still plagued her in spite of her achievements?

Enter Dr. Rosen, a therapist who calmly assures her that if she joins one of his psychotherapy groups, he can transform her life. All she has to do is show up and be honest. About everything—her eating habits, childhood, sexual history, etc. Christie is skeptical, insisting that that she is defective, beyond cure. But Dr. Rosen issues a nine-word prescription that will change everything: “You don’t need a cure, you need a witness.

So begins her entry into the strange, terrifying, and ultimately life-changing world of group therapy. Christie is initially put off by Dr. Rosen’s outlandish directives, but as her defenses break down and she comes to trust Dr. Rosen and to depend on the sessions and the prescribed nightly phone calls with various group members, she begins to understand what it means to connect.

Group is a deliciously addictive read, and with Christie as our guide—skeptical of her own capacity for connection and intimacy, but hopeful in spite of herself—we are given a front row seat to the daring, exhilarating, painful, and hilarious journey that is group therapy—an under-explored process that breaks you down, and then reassembles you so that all the pieces finally fit.

Emotional Intelligence: Respond, not React

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The other day, when GG, BB and I were speaking, we went on a tangent about how BB who is smarter than his sister falls short when he has to empathise with someone. She is smarter in social situations whereas he is not. This, in turn, led me to find out more about Emotional Intelligence or Emotional Quotient and how it is different from the intellectual intelligence we all know and use as a gauge to check the smartness of someone.

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Emotional intelligence or Emotional Quotient is most often defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognise their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behaviour, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments. It is also defined as the array of skills and characteristics that drive leadership performance.

Studies have shown that people with a high level of emotional intelligence have greater mental health, job performance, and leadership skills, although no causal relationships have been shown. This kind of intelligence is typically associated with empathy because it involves an individual connecting their personal experiences with those of others.

It is different from the standard intelligence quotient or intellectual intelligence which is a score derived from one of several standardised tests designed to assess an individual’s intelligence. The IQ is used to determine academic abilities and identify individuals with off-the-chart intelligence or mental challenges while the EQ is a better indicator of success in the workplace and is used to identify leaders, good team players, and people who best work by themselves.

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Several different assessments have emerged to measure levels of emotional intelligence. Such tests generally fall into one of two types: self-report tests and ability tests. Self-report tests are the most common because they are the easiest to administer and score. On such tests, respondents respond to questions or statements by rating their behaviours. Ability tests, on the other hand, involve having people respond to situations and then assessing their skills. Such tests often require people to demonstrate their abilities, which are then rated by a third party.

Researchers suggest that there are four different levels of emotional intelligence including emotional perception, the ability to reason using emotions, the ability to understand emotions, and the ability to manage emotions. The first step in understanding emotions is to perceive them accurately. In many cases, this might involve understanding nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions. The next step involves using emotions to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Emotions help prioritize what we pay attention to and react to; we respond emotionally to things that garner our attention. The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. If someone is expressing angry emotions, the observer must interpret the cause of the person’s anger and what it could mean. The ability to manage emotions effectively is a crucial part of emotional intelligence and the highest level. Regulating emotions and responding appropriately as well as responding to the emotions of others are all important aspects of emotional management.
The four branches of this model are arranged by complexity with the more basic processes at the lower levels and the more advanced processes at the higher levels. For example, the lowest levels involve perceiving and expressing emotion, while higher levels require greater conscious involvement and involve regulating emotions.

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Having lower emotional intelligence skills can lead to many potential pitfalls that can affect multiple areas of life including work and relationships. People who have fewer emotional skills tend to get in more arguments, have lower quality relationships, and have poor emotional coping skills. But on the flip side, having a very high level of emotional skills can also come with challenges. Research suggests that people with high emotional intelligence may be less creative and innovative, may have a hard time delivering negative feedback for fear of hurting other people’s feelings and those with a high EQ can sometimes manipulate and deceive.

So why is emotional intelligence so important today? Interest in knowing more about emotional intelligence has grown in recent years with programmes improving social and emotional learning becoming popular.

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Thinking Before Reacting: Emotionally intelligent people know that emotions can be powerful, but also temporary. When a highly charged emotional event happens, such as becoming angry with a co-worker, the emotionally intelligent response would be to take some time before responding. This allows everyone to calm their emotions and think more rationally about all the factors surrounding the argument.

Greater Self-Awareness: Emotionally intelligent people are not only good at thinking about how other people might feel but they are also adept at understanding their feelings. Self-awareness allows people to consider the many different factors that contribute to their emotions. Self-aware individuals can handle and learn from constructive criticism better than those who aren’t.

Empathy for Others: A large part of emotional intelligence is being able to think about and empathise with how other people are feeling. This often involves considering how you would respond if you were in the same situation and respond genuinely to others’ concerns.

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Self-regulation: Individuals with high EQ can control themselves. They can decide when to reveal their emotions and when to restrain themselves. Others can be prone to emotional outbursts and have no control whatsoever.

Motivation: Being self-motivated is a trait of emotionally intelligent individuals. Money or prestigious titles are not motivating factors for them. They are not easily disappointed when they face failure. On the contrary, they are driven by an inner ambition to overcome these failures.

People skills: Emotionally intelligent people can easily build rapport and develop trust in people around them. They stay away from power struggles or backstabbing to get ahead and are more liked as well as respected by others around them.

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Being emotionally intelligent is important, but what steps can you take to improve your own social and emotional skills? Here are some tips.

Listen: If you want to understand what other people are feeling, the first step is to pay attention. Take the time to listen to what people are trying to tell you, both verbally and non-verbally. Body language can carry a great deal of meaning. When you sense that someone is feeling a certain way, consider the different factors that might be contributing to that emotion.

Empathise: Picking up on emotions is critical, but you also need to be able to put yourself into someone else’s shoes to truly understand their point of view. Practice empathizing with other people. Imagine how you would feel in their situation. Such activities can help you build an emotional understanding of a specific situation as well as develop stronger emotional skills in the long term. Empathy opens the door for mutual respect and understanding between people with differing opinions and situations.

Reflect: The ability to reason with emotions is an important part of emotional intelligence. Consider how your own emotions influence your decisions and behaviours. When you are thinking about how other people respond, assess the role that their emotions play.

Utilise an assertive style of communicating: Assertive communication goes a long way toward earning respect without coming across as too aggressive or too passive. Emotionally intelligent people know how to communicate their opinions and needs directly while still respecting others.

Respond instead of reacting to conflict: During instances of conflict, emotional outbursts and feelings of anger are common. The emotionally intelligent person knows how to stay calm during stressful situations. They don’t make impulsive decisions that can lead to even bigger problems. They understand that in times of conflict the goal is a resolution, and they make a conscious choice to focus on ensuring that their actions and words are in alignment with that.

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Utilise active listening skills: In conversations, emotionally intelligent people listen for clarity instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. They make sure they understand what is being said before responding. They also pay attention to the nonverbal details of a conversation. This prevents misunderstandings, allows the listener to respond properly and shows respect for the person they are speaking to.

Practice ways to maintain a positive attitude: A negative attitude easily infects others if a person allows it to. Emotionally intelligent people have an awareness of the moods of those around them and guard their attitude accordingly. They know what they need to do to have a good day and an optimistic outlook.

Practice self-awareness: Emotionally intelligent people are self-aware and intuitive. They are aware of their own emotions and how they can affect those around them. They also pick up on others’ emotions and body language and use that information to enhance their communication skills.

Take critique well: An important part of increasing your emotional intelligence is to be able to take critique. Instead of getting offended or defensive, high EQ people take a few moments to understand where the critique is coming from, how it is affecting others or their performance and how they can constructively resolve any issues.

Leadership skills: Emotionally intelligent people have excellent leadership skills setting high standards for themselves and setting an example for others to follow. They take initiative and have great decision-making and problem-solving skills. This allows for a higher and more productive level of performance in life and at work.

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Emotional intelligence is essential for good interpersonal communication. Some experts believe that this ability is more important in determining life success than IQ alone. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to strengthen your own social and emotional intelligence. 

No is a complete sentence

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A few months back, I finally saw the Bollywood film, Pink. This film, which is a Hindi language legal thriller about three women who are sexually assaulted and who are then portrayed to be culprits and women of loose character because they live alone, away from their families, dress in not conservative clothes, drink and date. One sentence from the film, uttered by the lawyer Deepak Sehgal, played by Amitabh Bachchan stood out in my mind and the sentence is the title of my post; “No is a complete sentence”

If you think about it, No is indeed a complete sentence. It’s okay to say it whenever we need to, without fear or guilt. Yet many of us find it hard to say no because our boundaries have become so eroded that we scarcely know where we stop and other people begin. We don’t need to justify our actions when we refuse someone’s request. At work, at home and in any situation, when people ask us for help, we usually find it very hard to refuse the request or command. Hence, reluctantly even, we agree to help because we feel guilty in refusing. If we don’t know how to say no to things, then saying yes loses meaning. By saying yes to everything that is asked of us, we are setting ourselves up for failure at some point or the other.

Our need for connection is what instils fear of saying no, because we believe that it will make the people on the other end upset, creating a barrier in our relationship with them. Saying no can also cause cognitive dissonance in us — that uncomfortable feeling in our solar plexus and mind when our actions don’t match up with our words, values, and morals. When we believe ourselves to be a helpful, kind person above all else, and then choose to say no to something helpful and kind, it causes this feeling.

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As if this was not enough, our culture places an unrealistic value on the pursuit of busyness. Society tells us that if we aren’t working on something, anything, we are just wasting time. Thus, if the reason we are saying no is so that we can find time to do something for ourselves or, perhaps, even manage to do nothing at all, we feel unworthy. And even when we finally muster up the courage to say no or I can’t, we then feel obligated to offer up an explanation to justify this unfavourable response. And this is why No is a complete sentence.

Saying the word no when someone asks you to do something, and then not following it up with the why may feel odd and even rude. The charged space that word leaves behind is palpable. But learning to say no and letting it hang out there all alone in its glory is a small kind of superpower. Of course, the person getting the no from you will fire back a why when you decline to do what they are asking you to do. If this happens and you feel that stating no is a complete sentence is a bit harsh, try bundling up your courage with a little vulnerability. When pushed for a reason, you could say something on the lines that you are tired or you have other commitments, but more often than not, just saying no will be very liberating. Of course, you may have to give some explanation if it’s at work and your manager pushes you, but keep it as simple as possible so you don’t get into any complicated explanations.

It’s pretty natural that after years of societal and generational impact, no has a distinctively negative connotation and denotation. The No has to be reframed as not being a negative term and we have to begin to think of no not as a solitary decision but in the context of the positive impact saying no has.

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Here is what you need to do when you don’t want to do something: say No. That’s no, period, end of the story. If you want to say, No, thank you, that is acceptable, but don’t add anything else to the sentence. However, if you feel it is rude or abrupt by simply stating no, there are many alternative ways to say no without ever uttering the word. One degree of departure from the word No would be saying I can’t. Two degrees of departure would be saying, I’ll get back to you and buying yourself enough time to give yourself a pep talk so that you can politely decline. Three degrees of departure would be saying yes to something else by creating alternatives, kind of like a reverse mind trick. By doing this, you shift the response from a negative one of something you can’t or won’t do to something positive and something you can or are willing to do.

Learning to say no is sort of like learning how to meditate; it’s a habit that you have to cultivate. The more you say it, the easier it gets. The easier it gets, the less guilty you feel. We need to set up personal boundaries around what we are and aren’t willing to accept for our mental stability. And saying no doesn’t just mean declining invitations or saying no to extra work.

Learning to say no isn’t something you only need to do with other people, it’s something you need to learn to say to yourself. Saying no to yourself means creating personal boundaries that will ultimately contribute to your well-being in the long term. Setting up boundaries means recognizing that other people have boundaries, too. It means asking for consent. No is the magic word to getting your life back. Just remember that it is a complete sentence, and act accordingly. Because if you can’t say no, your Yes doesn’t mean anything.