In My Hands Today…

Red Sauce Brown Sauce: A British Breakfast Odyssey – Felicity Cloake

If there’s one thing that truly unites this country from Aberdeen to Abernethy, St Ives to St Pancras, it’s an obsession with breakfast. We all have an opinion on the merits of brown sauce versus ketchup on our morning sandwich. No other country’s culinary identity is so bound up with breakfast – the French may love their croissants, the Chinese their congee, but they’re rarely held up as national symbols in the same way as a Full English, an Ulster fry or a bowl of porridge. A good breakfast is our birth right, eaten with as much relish in the Wolsey on Piccadilly as in Terry’s Caff in Borough.

In this eagerly anticipated follow up to One More Croissant for the Road, Felicity Cloake sets off on an epic bike ride round Britain to celebrate and investigate the legendary Great British Breakfast. She rates fry-ups on criteria from the crispness of the bacon to how long they keep her pedalling and stops for fact-based tea-breaks in place of last time’s pause cafe. And a woman cannot live by All Day Breakfast alone, so as well as recipes for things like Omelette Arnold Bennett or proper porridge, she will report back on the delights of regional specialities she encounters along the way, from Lancashire hotpot to Welsh cakes, Balti to boxty and everything else that takes her fancy en route. All washed down with tea, naturally.

From the less celebrated breakfast items that often cause puzzlement to visitors abroad – baked beans on toast, for example, or Marmite or Weetabix – to the homely foods of different communities, the halwa puris and Polish rye breads, grilled plantain and century eggs, Felicity will take them all in. Her mission is to eat all the best breakfasts of Britain – whether a crumpet hot from the factory production line in Enfield or a desi breakfast in Birmingham or even a pease pudding stottie cake from the original Greggs in Gosforth, this will be a true tour of Britain. And Britain is a country that runs on breakfast.

In My Hands Today…

French Revolutions: Cycling the Tour de France – Tim Moore

Not only is it the world’s largest and most watched sporting event, but also the most fearsome physical challenge ever conceived by man, demanding every last ounce of will and strength, every last drop of blood, sweat, and tears. If ever there was an athletic exploit specifically not for the faint of heart and feeble of limb, this is it. So you might ask, what is Tim Moore doing cycling it?

An extremely good question. Ignoring the pleading dictates of reason and common sense, Moore determined to tackle the Tour de France, all 2,256 miles of it, in the weeks before the professionals entered the stage. This decision was one he would regret for nearly its entire length. But readers–those who now know Moore’s name deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Bill Bryson and Calvin Trillin–will feel otherwise. They are in for a side-splitting treat.

French Revolutions gives us a hilariously unforgettable account of Moore’s attempt to conquer the Tour de France. “Conquer” may not be quite the right word. He cheats when he can, pops the occasional hayfever pill for an ephedrine rush (a fine old Tour tradition), sips cheap wine from his water bottle, and occasionally weeps on the phone to his wife. But along the way he gives readers an account of the race’s colorful history and greatest heroes: Eddy Merckx, Greg Lemond, Lance Armstrong, and even Firmin Lambot, aka the “Lucky Belgian,” who won the race at the age of 36. Fans of the Tour de France will learn why the yellow jersey is yellow, and how cyclists learned to save precious seconds (a race that lasts for three weeks is all about split seconds) by relieving themselves en route. And if that isn’t enough, his account of a rural France tarting itself up for its moment in the spotlight leaves popular quaint descriptions of small towns in Provence in the proverbial dust. If you either love or hate the French, or both, you’ll want to travel along with Time Moore.

In My Hands Today…

I Hate Your Face …And Other Things I Wish I Could Tell My Coworkers – Connie O’Reyes

Connie has had bad luck with coworkers ever since her lemonade stand partners pushed her out at the age of six.

In her debut collection of humor essays, Connie provides entertainment with hysterical stories about awkward workplace situations, ridiculous coworkers, and enough happy hour cocktails to make you question her life choices.

From low paying high school gigs to “real world” marketing jobs in Chicago, Connie presents stories about life both in and out of the office that will have you laughing out loud in the break room.

In My Hands Today…

You Suck at Cooking: The Absurdly Practical Guide to Sucking Slightly Less at Making Food – You Suck at Cooking

Do you crave food all the time? Do you think you might want to eat again in the future? Do you suck at cooking? Inspired by the wildly popular YouTube channel, these 60+ recipes will help you suck slightly less

You already know the creator of the YouTube show You Suck at Cooking by his well-manicured hands and mysterious voice, and now you’ll know him for this equally well-manicured and mysterious tome. It contains more than sixty recipes for beginner cooks and noobs alike, in addition to hundreds of paragraphs and sentences, as well as photos and drawings.

You’ll learn to cook with unintimidating ingredients in dishes like Broccoli Cheddar Quiche Cupcake Muffin-Type Things, Eddie’s Roasted Red Pepper Dip (while also learning all about Eddie’s sad, sad life), Jalapeno Chicken, and also other stuff. In addition, there are cooking tips that can be applied not only to the very recipes in this book, but also to recipes outside of this book, and to all other areas of your life (with mixed results).

In the end, you just might suck slightly less at cooking.*

*Results not guaranteed

In My Hands Today…

Keanu Reeves is Not in Love With You: The Murky World of Online Romance Fraud – Becky Holmes

One woman’s hilarious and fascinating quest to expose the truth behind the fraudulent Twitter romance. Scammers beware, you have met your match!

Online romance fraud is a problem across the globe. It causes financial and emotional devastation, yet many people refuse to take it seriously.

This is the story of one middle-aged woman in a cardigan determined to understand this growing phenomenon. No other woman has had so many online romances – from Keanu Reeves to Brad Pitt to Prince William – and Becky Holmes is a favourite among peacekeeping soldiers and oil rig workers who desperately need iTunes vouchers.

By winding up scammers and investigating the truth behind their profiles, Becky shines a revealing, revolting and hilarious light on a very shady corner of the internet. Featuring first-hand accounts of victims, examples of scripts used by fraudsters, a look into the psychology of fraud and of course plenty of Becky’s hysterical interactions with scammers, this is a must-read for anyone who needs a reminder that Keanu Reeves is NOT in love with them.