Mumbai Memories: Music Lessons, Missed Classes, and What Stayed

Growing up in Mumbai, it almost felt like an unspoken rule that every child had to learn a classical art form. Music or dance, sometimes both. It was simply what one did. No one questioned it, and no one really explained it either. It sat somewhere between discipline, culture, and expectation.

My sister took to dancing naturally. As soon as she could, she signed up with a teacher in the neighbourhood and seemed entirely at ease with movement in a way I never was.

I, on the other hand, have always been, and remain, spectacularly uncoordinated.

Dance was never going to be my thing.

So music it was.

Carnatic classical music, to be precise.

There was a well-known fine arts academy in Matunga that conducted classes in a school building not far from ours. It offered lessons in both vocal music and instruments, and for many children in the area, it was a familiar part of growing up. When I was about six years old, I joined the vocal class.

Another girl joined at the same time. She was a classmate of my neighbour and lived in a building directly opposite mine. From her building, you could clearly see the approach road that led to the school where our classes were held.

That small detail became important.

Before each class, we would meet downstairs, lingering just a little longer than necessary. There was no urgency in our waiting. We would talk, watch the street, stretch out those few extra minutes of freedom.

And then, at some point, one of us would spot her.

The teacher.

Walking up the road, unhurried, entirely unaware of the small drama unfolding at a distance.

That was our cue.

We would immediately spring into action, running as fast as our legs could carry us, trying to reach the classroom before she did, as though arriving before the teacher somehow counted as being more prepared, or perhaps less guilty of our delay.

It was a small ritual, repeated week after week. Looking back, I suspect we enjoyed that moment more than the class itself.

I continued for about two years.

My friend stopped after the first year, and not long after, I followed. The decision was not dramatic. There was no particular incident, no sudden loss of interest. It was simply that I was not willing to give up my playtime two or three times a week to sit in a classroom learning something that required patience I did not yet have.

At that age, play always wins.

For a few years after that, music drifted in and out of my life. I would sing occasionally, mostly at home, without structure or discipline. It was there, but lightly held.

And then, when I was about ten or eleven years old, something shifted again.

A lady in my building came home one day to invite us to a concert she was organising with her friend. This friend lived nearby and was known to my parents. She had been learning music for many years and was now beginning to teach. The concert, as it turned out, was not just a performance. It was also a way of introducing herself to potential students.

I still remember sitting there, listening.

Something about that evening stayed with me. It was not just the music, though that was certainly part of it. It was the atmosphere. The stillness. The way everyone seemed to be listening with intention.

I came home and told my mother I wanted to start learning music again.

And so, I did.

This time, it was different.

The classes were more structured, the expectations clearer. There were other students too, including a girl from my school who lived about fifteen minutes away. The group was small enough to feel personal, but large enough to create a sense of shared effort.

We sat cross-legged on the floor, notebooks open, repeating after the teacher. The steady drone of the shruti box filled the room, constant and unwavering, like a line we were expected to stay within. There was no rushing ahead. Each note had to be held, corrected, and repeated.

“Again,” she would say.

Not sharply. Not impatiently. Just firmly enough to let you know that almost right was not enough.

There is a particular kind of discipline that comes with learning classical music. It is not dramatic or visible. It lies in repetition. In practising the same notes and the same patterns over and over again until they begin to settle somewhere deeper than memory.

I stayed with it for about four years.

Long enough to understand that this was not something one mastered quickly. Long enough to feel both the frustration and the quiet satisfaction that comes with incremental progress.

And then, as it often happens, something else began to take precedence.

Studies.

By the time I reached class eight, the balance between schoolwork and everything else began to shift. Time became more structured, expectations more defined. Something had to give.

And once again, music classes were the thing that fell away.

But this time, it did not leave entirely.

Even without formal lessons, music stayed.

It found its way into everyday life. Into quiet moments, into routines, into the spaces between tasks. I was always singing something, humming something, or listening to music. It did not require effort anymore. It had simply become part of how I existed.

And without realising it, I carried it forward.

When I was pregnant with GG and BB, I found myself singing to them. Not in any deliberate or planned way, but naturally. Carnatic music, yes, but also small ditties, rhymes, and the occasional Bollywood song that had made its way into memory.

And then, when they were born, that continued.

Music became part of their early world, too.

It was not something I consciously decided to pass on. It was simply there, as it had been for me.

And when they turned seven, they both began formal music training.

What followed, however, reminded me that no two journeys are the same.

BB stopped when he reached puberty, and his voice broke. It was a practical decision, and perhaps an inevitable one. But music did not leave him either. It stayed, just in a different form. He sings informally, listens to music constantly, and engages with it in his own way.

GG, on the other hand, continued.

And continues still.

Through PSLE, through O levels, through polytechnic, and now university, music has remained her constant. There have been pauses, of course. Moments where studies took over, where classes were missed. But she always returns.

It is, quite clearly, her happy place.

Looking back, what strikes me is not how long or how well any of us learned music in a formal sense.

It is how it stayed.

In different forms, at different intensities, across different phases of life. Sometimes structured, sometimes casual. Sometimes central, sometimes in the background.

It never really left.

And perhaps that is the point of these early lessons.

Not mastery.

Not performance.

But familiarity.

The knowledge that something exists, that it can be returned to, that it can sit quietly within you without demanding constant attention.

I never became a trained classical singer.

But I became someone for whom music is always within reach.

And somewhere along the way, that feels like enough.

In My Hands Today…

To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma – Molly Millwood

When Molly Millwood became a mother, she was fully prepared for what she would gain: an adorable baby boy; hard-won mothering skills; and a messy, chaotic, beautiful life. But what she did not expect was what she would lose: aspects of her identity, a baseline level of happiness, a general sense of wellbeing. And though she had the benefit of a supportive husband during this transition, she also at times resented the fact that the disruption to his life seemed to pale in comparison to hers.

As a clinical psychologist, Molly knew her experience was a normal response to a life-changing event. But without the advantage of such a perspective, many of the patients she treated in her private practice grappled with self-doubt, guilt, and fear, and suffered the dual pain of not only the struggle to adjust but also the overwhelming shame for struggling at all.

In To Have and to Hold, Molly explores the complex terrain of new motherhood, illuminating the ways it affects women psychologically, emotionally, physically, and professionally—as well as how it impacts their partnership. Along with the arrival of a bundle of joy come thorny issues such as self-worth, control, autonomy, and dependency. And for most new mothers, these issues are experienced within the context of an intimate relationship, adding another layer of tension, conflict, and confusion to an already challenging time.

As Molly examines the inextricable link between women’s well-being as new mothers and the well-being of their relationships, she offers guidance to help readers reclaim their identities, overcome their guilt and shame, and repair their relationships. A blend of personal narrative, scientific research, and stories from Molly’s clinical practice, To Have and to Hold provides a much-needed lifeline to new mothers everywhere.

Mumbai Memories: Calling Her by Name

Tamil kinship terminology is among the most nuanced in the world, distinguishing not only between maternal and paternal relatives but also between older and younger siblings, in-laws, and even parallel and cross cousins. Within this system, “manni” specifically denotes the wife of an elder brother. Other names are Anna, who is the older brother; chitappa, your father’s younger brother or your mother’s younger sister’s husband; and chitti, the wife of your father’s younger brother or your mother’s younger sister. Athai is your father’s sister, and Athimber is her husband. “Athimber” could also refer to the husband of your older sister. The use of these terms is not arbitrary but is deeply embedded in the social fabric, reinforcing respect, hierarchy, and the roles expected of each family member.

The “manni” traditionally occupies a unique position. She is often seen as a secondary maternal figure to her husband’s younger siblings, especially in large joint families. The respect accorded to her is both a reflection of her status as the wife of the eldest son and a recognition of her role in maintaining familial harmony and upholding traditions.

In the patriarchal structure of Tamil Brahmin families, the use of kinship terms such as “manni” is a way of codifying respect and maintaining the social order. The elder brother’s wife is, by her position, to be respected, and the term “manni” is both an acknowledgement of her seniority and a subtle reinforcement of the family hierarchy. This practice also reflects gendered expectations. While the elder brother commands respect as “Anna,” his wife, as “Manni,” is expected to embody dignity, authority, and nurturing, often mediating between the younger siblings and the older generation.

Tamil Brahmin families, especially the Iyers and Iyengars, have historically been fastidious about ritual purity and the correct observance of customs. The use of proper kinship terms was, and in some cases still is, considered part of this ritual correctness. Addressing the elder brother’s wife by her name, rather than as “manni,” could be seen as a breach of decorum, potentially undermining the carefully maintained social order.

However, the latter part of the 20th century saw significant social and economic changes. Urbanisation, the rise of nuclear families, and increased exposure to cosmopolitan values began to erode the rigid hierarchies of the past. As families became smaller and more egalitarian, the need to maintain strict forms of address diminished. Younger generations, influenced by modern education and global culture, began to prioritise individual identity and personal relationships over traditional roles.

My mother’s paternal family is large, and as I have mentioned previously, they lived in a joint family for years before each brother moved out. Even though they moved out, the old joint family home was still the family headquarters, and connections between cousins were very tight. Also, as most tambram families were in the sixties and seventies in Mumbai, they were still conservative and held on tightly to their rituals and culture, especially with the second generation, who were, for the most part, born and lived in the bustling metropolis that Bombay was becoming.

In this context, and this is something I only realised recently, was the fact that none of the cousins called their brother’s wives “Manni.” Instead, they used her given name. Growing up, I thought this was normal and never gave it a second thought. But when I thought about this recently, I thought this was something so liberal and progressive. None of the older generation objected to this, and I am guessing none of the new brides, especially the first one, insisted on being called “manni!” And this percolated to how I perceived relationship nomenclature.

When I got married, S’s younger sister called me “Manni” and still calls me that, even after all these years, even though I told her to call me by my given name. Some of S’s cousins started by calling me manni and then shifted to my given name, while some others call me akka, which means older sister. I am ok with either “manni,” my name, or akka, as I believe at the end of the day, it’s the respect that’s more important, rather than what you are called.

Addressing sisters-in-law by name, rather than as “manni,” can be seen as a subtle but powerful assertion of equality. It signals a move away from rigid hierarchies and towards relationships based on mutual respect and personal connection.

Tamil Brahmin identity has undergone a profound transformation over the past century. Once defined by strict adherence to ritual, vegetarianism, and caste-based hierarchies, the community has become increasingly cosmopolitan, embracing modernity and global values. The decline of practices such as addressing the elder brother’s wife as “manni” is part of this broader shift. Women in Tamil Brahmin families have played a crucial role in this transformation. As they gained access to education and employment, their roles within the family and society changed dramatically. The authority of the “manni” was no longer derived solely from her position as the elder brother’s wife but from her own achievements and personality.

Ultimately, the choice of how to address a sister-in-law is a personal one, shaped by family dynamics, individual preferences, and broader social trends. What matters most is the quality of the relationship, not the form of address.

In My Hands Today…

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men – Meg Meeker

From the moment a mother holds her newborn son, his eyes tell her that she is his world. But often, as he grows up, the boy who needs her simultaneously pushes her away. Calling upon thirty years of experience as a pediatrician, Meg Meeker, M.D., a highly sought after national speaker, assistant professor of clinical medicine, and mother of four, shares the secrets that every mother needs to know in order to strengthen—or rebuild—her relationship with her son.

Boys today face unique challenges and pressures, and the burden on mothers to guide their boys through them can feel overwhelming. This empowering book offers a road map to help mothers find the strength and confidence to raise extraordinary sons by providing encouragement, education, and practical advice about

The need for mothers to exercise courage and be bolder and more confident about advising and directing their boys, the crucial role mothers play in expressing love to sons in healthy ways so they learn to respect and appreciate women as they grow up, the importance of teaching sons about the values of hard work, community service, and a well-developed inner life, the natural traps mothers of boys often fall into—and how to avoid them, the need for a mother to heal her own wounds with the men in her life so she can raise her son without baggage and limitations, and the best ways to survive the moments when the going gets tough and a mom’s natural ways of communicating—talking, analyzing, exploring—only fuel the fire.

When a mother holds her baby boy for the first time, she also instinctively knows something else: if she does her job right and raises her son with self-esteem, support, and wisdom, he will become the man she knows he was meant to be.

International Day of Families: Celebrating Family Connections

The International Day of Families is an annual observance recognised by the United Nations on May 15th. This day aims to raise awareness of the importance of families and the role they play in society. Families come in many shapes and sizes, but they all share the fundamental purpose of providing love, support, and a sense of belonging for their members.

The theme for the International Day of Families in 2024 is “Strengthening Family Connections in a Digital World.” This theme reflects the growing influence of technology on modern family life and the need to find a healthy balance between digital engagement and quality time together. As families navigate an increasingly online landscape, it is crucial to explore ways of using technology to enhance family bonds rather than allowing it to become a barrier.

The International Day of Families was first established in the 1980s, when the United Nations started to focus attention on issues related to families. In 1993, the UN General Assembly passed a resolution designating May 15 as the International Day of Families. The fundamental goal of establishing this observance was to raise awareness of the importance of families and the issues affecting them globally. The day is meant to encourage people worldwide to improve their living standards and promote social progress.

The traditional nuclear family model of a married mother and father with children is no longer the only accepted family structure. Families today come in diverse forms, including single-parent households, blended families, same-sex couples, multigenerational homes, and families formed through adoption or surrogacy. This diversity is a testament to the resilience and adaptability of the family unit.

Regardless of their composition, families serve as the foundation for individual development and social cohesion. They provide a haven where children can grow, learn, and thrive. Families also play a crucial role in transmitting cultural values, traditions, and beliefs from one generation to the next.

While technology has brought many benefits to modern families, it has also introduced new challenges that require thoughtful navigation. The ubiquity of digital devices and the constant connectivity they enable can sometimes come at the expense of face-to-face interaction and quality time spent together.

Parents today often struggle to find the right balance between allowing their children to explore the digital world and setting boundaries to protect them from potential online risks, such as cyberbullying, excessive screen time, and exposure to inappropriate content.  Additionally, the blurring of work and home life due to remote work and the always-on nature of digital communication can make it difficult for families to truly disconnect and enjoy uninterrupted quality time.

The 2024 theme of the International Day of Families, “Strengthening Family Connections in a Digital World,” encourages families to embrace technology in a way that enhances their relationships and supports their overall well-being. Here are some strategies families can consider:

  • Establishing Digital Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries and guidelines around technology use can help families maintain a healthy balance. This may include designating tech-free zones or times, such as during mealtimes or before bedtime, and encouraging everyone to be present and engaged with one another.
  • Fostering Digital Literacy: Educating family members, especially children, on the responsible and safe use of digital technologies is crucial. Families can learn together about online privacy, cybersecurity, and the importance of critical thinking when consuming digital content.
  • Leveraging Technology for Connectivity: While excessive screen time can be detrimental, technology can also be used to strengthen family connections. Families can utilise video calls, messaging apps, and social media to stay in touch with loved ones who live far away, share important moments, and coordinate family activities.
  • Engaging in Digital Activities Together: Families can find ways to use technology as a tool for shared experiences and bonding. This could include playing interactive games, watching movies or shows together, or even collaborating on creative projects using digital tools.
  • Prioritising Offline Interactions: Despite the convenience and allure of digital devices, families need to make time for face-to-face interactions, outdoor activities, and unplugged experiences. These offline moments allow for deeper connections, uninterrupted conversations, and the cultivation of meaningful memories.

The International Day of Families in 2024 presents an opportunity for families around the world to reflect on the importance of their relationships and explore ways to strengthen their connections in the digital age. The day serves as a timely reminder of the enduring significance of the family unit and the need to adapt to the evolving digital landscape. By embracing technology in a way that enhances family connections, families can navigate the challenges of the modern world while preserving the core values and traditions that have sustained them throughout history.

As we celebrate this day, let us be inspired to cultivate stronger, more resilient family bonds that can withstand the test of time and the ever-changing digital landscape. Together, we can create a future where families thrive, both online and offline, and where the power of human connection remains at the heart of our lives.