What makes a Woman?

international-womens-day1

Today, worldwide we celebrate International Women’s Day, but is it really necessary to just devote one day a year to half the world’s population?

Women today have reached the pinnacle of what they can do, with many women breaking records in achievements. At the same time, in many countries, including what is known as a first world country, women still don’t have rights over their own bodies!

b01a8a94666ebab1706e07707f76b069

Growing up in a conservative, yet liberal household, I was always told that I can do what I want (within reason) and there was nothing that was beyond me. I remember when I first started college at the age of 16, I found out about the British Council library which was in the Central Business District in Mumbai and wanted to join it. My dad asked me to find out what was the membership fee and where it was. I did so and he handed me the money and told me how to get there and I was on my own. I went with an older friend who had also not gone there before, so we lost our way and had to ask around before we found the building and I became a member. I held that membership for almost 10 years, right after I started working and could not go to the library during work hours. I also became a member of the United States Information Service (USIS) after I started my undergraduate degree as it used to be free then for students. So every month while I was in college, I used to lug my 8 books (4 from each library) to college and after lessons ended around 11 am, I’d travel down to the libraries, before coming back home around 4 pm. My parents never held the view that since I was a young girl, I could not go to places which were far from home. I was probably the only person I knew back then who used to travel so far to get her book fix!

women-power_storyAt the same time, I always knew that I’d get married at some point and take my husband’s name. It was not done for ‘girls like us’ to show off our independence like that. But fast forward some years and I’ve done exactly what I’d never thought I’d do. I have kept my name – the first name and last name that was bestowed upon me at birth and will do so till the day I die. I’ve written about this in a post around 18 months back. As an aside, I also would like to see a world (if that’s even possible in my lifetime) where we do not take a family name which is most likely patriarchal in nature. Why do you need a last name in any case? If it’s that imperative to have one, why can’t it be that of your mother? After all, maternity can never be disputed, but paternity has to be proved, right?

1f8d4f2959f76c7420303d7a940b0b8eA woman today can have it all, and in many cases, is expected to have it all. She is judged constantly – whether she is a homemaker or a working mum and if she is not able to handle both to the satisfaction of the world, then she gets commented upon. Walking down a street in many countries for a woman means running a gamut of catcalls and comments, most, if not all, are sexual in nature. This is seen by the men in those countries as being complimentary to the woman, but for the said woman, it a creepy and extremely offensive.

superwoman-980x600

So what’s it like being a woman today? I honestly do not have an answer – my definition of being one means allowing no distinction between a man and a woman. I want to go back to the first sentence of this post – why now in 2017, do we even need a day in a year to celebrate womanhood? Shouldn’t every day be a celebration? We don’t celebrate International Men’s Day, do we, then why one for women? Women are more or less half the world’s population, so why this distinction? Why are women still perceived to be the weaker sex? I’d bet if any man had to undergo a natural delivery or even have periods every month for close to 50 odd years of his life, he’d acknowledge with loads of humility that women are indeed the stronger sex (not to mention, all the hidden pink taxes that women pay which would be a thing of the past).

Anyway, that’s all wishful thinking. I’d love to hear from my women readers – what you think makes a woman? How would you like womanhood to be celebrated?

(Still) Blogging Anonymously

anonymous_blogger

I decided to go way back to my first posts and see how long I have been blogging. I realised I would have been blogging on WordPress for 7 years this year (my blog anniversary is sometime in August) and a couple of years before that on Blogspot. Wow! That’s a long time to be blogging, that too anonymously.

I revisited this topic again when sometime last week, I came across an opinion piece in an Indian newspaper by a famous author who was arguing about the privacy issues that a famous Bollywood couple are facing over their new baby’s photo. The baby’s photo was published across media when the doting father put it up as his Whatsapp profile picture (as most parents are wont to do so) and she argued that in this day and age of digital invasion, especially for a high-profile couple like these two, it was par on course, and not something they should take seriously. I am not going to link to the article, nor mention any names, though any Indian who reads this, may know who I am talking about. This article again raised the issue of being anonymous on social media.

05324746-photo-protection_1_0

Today, with oversharing being the norm, being someone who hides behind an identity on social media, I am probably an anomaly rather than the norm. With the exception of Facebook and LinkedIn where I am present as myself, I blog under a pseudonym on all other media. I guess I am not 100% anonymous here – you guys do know that I live in Singapore and have two children who are twins and are around 13/14 years old and in secondary school. But I have still not shared more details about myself or a photograph of me and my family, which seems to be what most family and lifestyle bloggers (as I see myself) have on their About me page. Maybe someone who is diligent can find out who I am, but I’d like to think that I am not someone who is famous or infamous that people are really curious to know whom I am in real life.

I know it’s quite hard for me not to build traffic to this site because I can’t just link posts from here onto any of my other social media accounts, so conversely I am actually proud of each and every new subscriber as I know you’ve come here organically and because you like what I write. This is pure validation to someone who considers herself as a closet writer.

I also want to protect BB & GG from any adverse effects of my blogging. Technology is jumping by leaps and bounds and what is probably in the realm of science fiction today may be a something very normal 10 years down the line. I want them to start and live their lives on a clean slate and don’t want any embarrassing photos or blog posts to pop up when a future employer searches their name a few years down the line when they start work or even when they apply for admissions at their dream schools. After all, even today a sweep of your social media profile is done when you are looking at hiring new employees or even students and you don’t want something awkward coming up when your name is searched.

blogger_anonymity

So there you have why I chose to blog anonymously. I am still not sure if this was the right decision or not, but it’s something I chose to do and will continue to do so moving forward.

Being a Woman…

The past few weeks have been quite frankly, disturbing to me as a woman. Like probably most people on this planet, I’ve been following the US Presidential elections and the news it throws up makes me very disturbed. It also doesn’t help that my Facebook feed is filled with news about the elections and mostly about how one of the candidates is so misogynist about women in general.

Then I read another bit of news, this time from India. Apparently, a couple who applied to divorce has had a judgement from the Supreme Court that because the ‘woman was trying to separate the man from his parents’, divorce should happen. What was so wrong about this judgement was the judge who decreed that after the wedding, in a marriage, when a woman said she didn’t want to live with the man’s parents, she is wrong and this is against the Indian, Hindu culture and so the man asking for a divorce is right and the divorce should be decreed. This is so wrong from so many angles. I, along with many Indian women worldwide have been incensed with this ruling. This turns the clock on so many decades of women empowerment in the country. This belittles a woman as nothing else can and makes parents of women little less than dirt.

Yes, the world over, patriarchal traditions insist that when a man and a woman get married, a woman leaves her home, her family and in some cases in India, even her name, to go and live with someone who is essentially a stranger.  A woman’s parents, who have brought her up and lived with her for the 20-30 odd years pre-marriage, have no rights over their daughter, whom they have brought up equally to any son they may have, have to hand her over quietly and when she raises any objection, tell her to be quiet and adjust and live with her husband and in-laws. In many cases, the woman who is a highly educated, career woman who has subordinates at work, has to have someone who has probably never done any work outside the home telling her what to eat, when to sleep, when to work etc.

There’s a Chinese saying attributed to Mao Zedong that says “Women hold up half the sky”. What does this mean actually? My interpretation of this means that in order for society to achieve anything, women should and must contribute their share of the hard work. Women, who account for half the world’s population (49.6% according to the World Bank), in reality, do not really account for even a fraction of that percentage.

So what’s it like to be a woman?

Being a woman starts young, young girls are told at a very early age that they are women in the making

Being a woman means covering yourselves up, just so you do not inflame the lustful eyes of men around you. Men don’t get taught to lower their eyes when talking to a woman.

Being a woman means that every word, deed and action is scrutinised, if you are assertive and know your mind, you are called arrogant and stuck-up and a bitch while a man is praised for this (as an example of this, please watch the US presidential elections).

A woman is supposed to pure and chaste while a man can sow his wild oats. A woman talking in a sexual way is a slut while for a man, it’s just boys talk or locker room talk and ‘boys will be boys’

A woman walking alone at night always has some pepper spray in her bag, but in many countries, this rarely happens as women are almost never allowed to go out at night.

A woman walking alone, irrespective of the time of the day will invariably attract catcalls and lewd glances, but a man has to never face being the object of sexual attention and feel people undressing him with their eyes.

Being a woman means having to listen to off colour jokes and sexual innuendoes at work and school and laugh it out with the guys as otherwise you are considered ‘not sporting enough’

It’s time, we as women started taking care of our kind. We are mothers, grandmothers, aunts and sisters. We nurture the next generation of both men and women. It’s up to us to make sure that this inequality stops with this generation. As we bring up the next generation, let’s all teach our daughters to be strong and not take any shit from anyone. Let’s, more importantly, teach our sons how to be good human beings, one who respects women, one who knows the line they should draw internally when talking to women. To teach our sons not to allow anyone around them to belittle women and make them feel any less than they deserve, to listen to them actively.

Most importantly to make women feel that they are really “Holding up half the sky”

Time Turners aka If you could turn time back….

Please do not read this post if you are a major Harry Potter fan and have not yet read the Cursed Child book. This post is heavily influenced by the book and contains spoilers in the book.

img_0671A couple of weeks back, I finished Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and the major premise of the book is time travel and what happens when you try to change reality if you go back in time.

In the book, the protagonists of this story, Albus Servus Potter, and Scorpius Malfoy, who are best friends, try to turn time back from an important event in one of the books – the death of Cedric Diggory. They try to do this three times and each time when they turn time back, they arrive back in the present time in an alternative universe, one that has no bearing on their actual present.

 

 

So I started thinking ‘What if I managed to get hold of a Time Turner’, what would I do? Initially, I was very excited and started thinking of all the times in my life that, in retrospect, I wished I had done or acted differently. I also wondered how my life would turn out had I changed even one aspect of my life.

 

Then I read about the Butterfly Effect. The Butterfly Effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.

 

What it means is that small changes in one dimension (or a change in time) multiply and can have a dramatically different effect in the current state in time. This effect is part of the chaos theory.

When I read about this, I started thinking about this – if I did change any part of my life before today, then perhaps, today will not exist. I may be living a completely different world than what I am living today. I probably would not have S, GG or BB in my life!

At every point in our life, we make certain decisions based on our current knowledge. Our today is the sum total of all that knowledge and the cumulative effect of all those decisions. Who we are today, is, therefore the sum of all that we have done – right or wrong – till the now.

This is a similar lesson that Albus and Scorpius learnt. When they tried to stop Cedric from being killed, the reality they came to was completely different from the reality they left.

 

Let us embrace our current reality and learn to love life as it happens. Everything happens for a reason and this is so true here. When we try to change fate (or reality as it is), reality then throws a curve ball at us….

 

Random Thoughts – Gender Equality

2000px-igualtat_de_sexes-svgThis week, I’ve had many thoughts swirling in my head, which I thought needed a post all by itself, rather than put it down in my weekly update, where it may not be really relevant.

One of the big news in the papers last week was about the risqué and sometimes obscene games played at the freshmen orientation at the National University of Singapore (NUS). Apparently, this is common in other Singapore universities too – Nanyang Technological University (NTU) and Singapore Management University (SMU). Reports said that the games were very sexualised in nature with some even invoking feelings of incest.

16d42f1Orientation camps are a chance for the incoming freshmen to meet other new students and make friends. As parents of young teens who will soon get into one of these universities (hopefully), this is cause for concern to me. Since all Singaporean and Singapore Permanent Resident males have to complete their national service before they enter university, this means that there is a two-year gap in age between the men and women who enter the freshman year. This becomes as much as six years or more when you compare a female freshman versus a male final year student.

Some students (both male and female) who were at the orientation didn’t feel that the games were wrong, which lead me to think how they thought of female emancipation. Games like this, which are often under the leadership of the student council and perhaps the university management tacitly condone sexism and misogyny at a very impressionable age. It becomes worse because, in these games, it’s often the men who play the aggressor and the women, the victims. I am a feminist and I strongly believe that when young men look at women in such a sexual way, in what is essentially a very non-sexual environment, then it leads them to be conditioned to think of women in such ways in other such non-sexual environments such as at work. This leads to a life-long tendency to believe that women are very inferior to them and always act in ways which do not demonstrate true gender equality. I guess when men who do not want to take part in such games, protest, they are then ridiculed and called names for being wimps!

The university has stopped all these games for this year at least and hopefully this will lead to a serious review on what can and cannot be acceptable.

stock-vector-colourful-hands-with-male-and-female-symbol-love-marriage-gender-equality-human-rights-and-120122377This actually leads to the other thing I have been thinking about for a week now. I usually steer clear of politics and since I am not a political commentator, I like to leave that to the experts. But I am sure everyone, including me, is watching the US Presidential elections run-up. I was very happy when the democrats finally (really finally!) elected a woman to become their nominee, in what was a historical moment in the history of the country. I along with millions of women worldwide cheered at this, but I was also a bit perturbed that it took them almost 240 years after independence to have a woman at spitting distance of the highest office in the country. For a country which calls itself the ‘greatest country in the world’, this is a bit disturbing as it does not really show that this greatness also lies in the equality of its daughters and sons.

However, the most disturbing part of the election campaign has been the republican nominee. I cringe each time I read about his comments on women, minorities, the disabled, (basically everyone except the traditional white male). At times I think nobody can be like this – misogynistic, rash and irresponsible, and wonder if this is the persona he has adopted to win the elections, then I read another article about him, going back to before he was the nominee and decide I was wrong, maybe he is like that in real life too. Then I really shudder and think of the country and its future.

As a woman, as someone who passionately believes in the equality of the sexes and as someone who believes in equal rights for everyone, I really hope this person does not win. If he does, women’s lib and emancipation will probably retrograde back to 1776 when America became free of the British and the words “Freedom”, “Liberty” and “Equality” are just words in the constitution