Tag Archives: Psychology

Introverts, Extroverts and Ambiverts

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For as long as I remember, I have been an introvert, preferring books and my own company to other people. But as I grew older and started appreciating people, I realised that I actually like engaging with people some of the time, especially when we are having an interesting conversation. This made me realise while I will never be an extrovert who likes being the centre of attraction, I was not the introvert I was growing up. That’s when I learnt that I may be an ambivert instead.

So, what are all the definitions of such people?

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Extroverts are those who tend to enjoy human interactions and to be enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious. Extroverts are energised and thrive off being around other people, taking pleasure in activities that involve large social gatherings, including activities like parties, community activities, public demonstrations and business or political groups. They also tend to work well in groups and is more likely to enjoy time spent with people and find less reward in time spent alone as they tend to be energized when around other people, and they are more prone to boredom when they are by themselves.

Extroverts are wired for enthusiasm. Research has found that extroverts are more likely to associate pleasurable feelings with their current environment, according to one analysis of neurological differences between introverts and extroverts. They are more likely to be a leader with research findings showing that most leaders self-identify as extroverts. They are great in groups, large rooms and often have no problem building rapport with anyone. Extroverts are anti-boring and great at pulling out the best from people, be it conversation, energy and confidence as well as more likely to have lots of interesting adventures, fun activities and socialising in their calendars which gives them lots to talk about. Extroverts also tend to be happier with research that found that extroverts tend to be more optimistic, cheerful and better at mood regulation, which means that in a given situation someone can control their moods or emotional responses more easily and allowing them to be social fixers.

Famous extroverts include politicians like Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher, Bill Clinton and sports personalities like Muhammed Ali.

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Introverts are typically perceived as being more reserved or reflective and some popular psychologists have characterised introverts as people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction. Introverts often take pleasure in solitary activities like reading, writing, or meditating and is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people. Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, with introversion defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate and are more analytical before speaking. Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error as introversion is a preference, while shyness stems from distress. While introverts prefer solitary to social activities, they do not necessarily fear social encounters like shy people do.

Studies have found that introverts are humbler than extroverts, an incredibly important and hard to learn trait which makes them more perceptive, more open and less bogged down by ego making them wonderful leaders, managers and friends. Why, because they are wonderful observers who can pick up on social nuances, hidden emotions and team dynamics better than anyone. When they speak, people listen and take their words seriously because they tend to think carefully before speaking and use words carefully. Introverts also make some of the best employees because they are incredible listeners, great at asking the right questions and think before they speak and are very observant so often give the best input.

Some of the most talented people in history have been introverts from Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak to the greatest genius of the 20th century, Albert Einstein. Other super successful introverts include J.K Rowling, Bill Gates and Mahatma Gandhi

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While most people view being introverted or extraverted as mutually exclusive, it is actually part of a single, continuous dimension of personality, with some scoring near one end, and others near the halfway mark. Ambiverts falls more or less directly in the middle. Ambivert are moderately comfortable with groups and social interaction, but also relish time alone, away from a crowd. In simpler words, an ambivert is a person whose behaviour changes according to the situation they are in. In the face of authority or in the presence of strangers, the person may be introverted. However, in the presence of family or close friends, the person may be highly energetic or extroverted.

It is commonly accepted that extroverts excel in jobs that require interaction with people, the best in sales, in leading people and being successful at work, but this fallacy was turned in its head during an analysis by Adam Grant, an associate professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, who analysed 35 separate studies and found the statistical relationship between extroversion and income was basically zero. He conducted a personality survey and collected three-month sales records for more than 300 salespeople, both male and female. The people who ranked right in the middle for extroversion and introversion–ambiverts–turned out to be the best salespeople. Grant theorised that ambiverts seem to strike a balance between the two more extreme personality traits theorising that the ambivert advantage stems from the tendency to be assertive and enthusiastic enough to persuade and close, but at the same time, listening carefully to customers and avoiding the appearance of being overly confident or excited.

There is nothing wrong in being an introvert, extrovert or an ambivert. Each type has its strengths and weaknesses and knowing what personality type you are (and most people know this by the time they get to their teens or latest by their early twenties) will help you amplify your strengths and help you overcome weaknesses.

If you want to know where on the spectrum you lie, here’s a short, ten question quiz from TED to help you find out.

And here are some TED videos about these personality traits. Watch and learn more…

In My Hands Today…

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Burnout to Breakthrough: Building Resilience to Refuel, Recharge, and Reclaim What Matters – Eileen McDargh

It’s official. For the first time, the World Health Organization has classified burnout as a health problem. Renowned motivational speaker Eileen McDargh proposes that to tackle it, we must learn to break out of energy-draining thoughts and behaviors.

Resilience, she argues, is strictly a matter of energy management–by better managing your energy, you can both build resiliency and overcome burnout. Breakthrough happens when our energy is consciously distributed to what matters most in our lives. So after a short survey that will tell you where you fit in a burnout and resiliency profile, McDargh helps pinpoint the causes of your burnout and examine the energy demands that keep you from refueling and recharging. She provides an in-depth energy analysis and gives you the keys to master the four dimensions that can give you a resilience breakthrough: head, heart, hands, and humor.

McDargh guides the reader through the process of identifying energy drains and implementing strategies for handling them, whatever phase of life you are in. Her intention is to help you not only to successfully manage work and life demands but also make even larger strides in understanding how to put together a life by design and not by default.

In My Hands Today…

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You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters – Kate Murphy

At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. We’re not listening. And no one is listening to us.

Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here.

In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). It’s time to stop talking and start listening.

Schadenfreude: The Joy at Another’s Misfortune

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The Japanese have a saying: “The misfortune of others tastes like honey.” The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer called schadenfreude “an infallible sign of a thoroughly bad heart and profound moral worthlessness”, the worst trait in human nature.

We all feel happy when our favourite team wins and gloat at the other team. In an India-Pakistan cricket match, when India wins, you usually get to hear and see crackers burst with loats of gloating and I am sure it is pretty much the same on the other side when India loses a match.

There is a word for this feeling – a German word, schadenfreude which literally translates to harm-joy and is the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another. Schadenfreude is a complex emotion where, rather than feeling sympathy, one takes pleasure from watching someone’s misfortune. This emotion is displayed more in children than adults, but adults also experience schadenfreude, although generally we are able to conceal it.

I read about this word and was absolutely fascinated by it. So I decided to read up more about and the meaning behind the word.

As human beings, we know how to enjoy failures. Enjoying other people’s misfortunes might sound simple – a mere glint of malice, a flick of spite. But look closer and you’ll glimpse some of the most hidden yet important parts of our lives. We feel a sense of glee at someone’s incompetence, a self-righteous satisfaction when hypocrites are exposed and the inner triumph of seeing a rival falter. Sometimes it is easy to share our delight, but far harder to acknowledge are those spasms of relief which accompany the bad news of our successful friends and relatives. They come involuntarily, these confusing bursts of pleasure, swirled through with shame. And they worry us – not just because we fear that our lack of compassion says something terrible about us – because they point so clearly to our envy and inferiority, and how we clutch at the disappointments of others in order to feel better about our own.

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Researchers have found that there are three driving forces behind schadenfreude: aggression, rivalry, and social justice. Self-esteem has a negative relationship with the frequency and intensity of schadenfreude experienced by an individual; individuals with less self-esteem tend to experience schadenfreude more frequently and intensely. The reverse also holds true—those with higher self-esteem experience schadenfreude less frequently or with less emotional intensity. It is hypothesised that this inverse relationship is mediated through the human psychological inclination to define and protect their self – and in-group identity or self-conception.

Specifically, for someone with high self-esteem, seeing another person fail may still bring them a small, but effectively negligible surge of confidence because the observer’s high self-esteem significantly lowers the threat they believe the visibly-failing human poses to their status or identity. Since this confident individual perceives that, regardless of circumstances, the successes and failures of the other person will have little impact on their own status or well-being, they have very little emotional investment in how the other person fares, be it positive or negative. Conversely, for someone with low self-esteem, someone who is more successful poses a threat to their sense of self, and seeing this mighty person fall can be a source of comfort because they perceive a relative improvement in their internal or in-group standing.

Aggression-based schadenfreude primarily involves group identity. The joy of observing the suffering of others comes from the observer’s feeling that the other’s failure represents an improvement or validation of their own group’s (in-group) status in relation to external (out-groups) groups. This is, essentially, schadenfreude based on group versus group status. Rivalry-based schadenfreude is individualistic and related to interpersonal competition and arises from a desire to stand out from and out-perform one’s peers. This is schadenfreude based on another person’s misfortune eliciting pleasure because the observer now feels better about their personal identity and self-worth, instead of their group identity. Justice-based schadenfreude comes from seeing that behavior seen as immoral or bad is punished. It is the pleasure associated with seeing a bad person being harmed or receiving retribution and schadenfreude is experienced because it makes people feel that fairness has been restored for a previously un-punished wrong.

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Today schadenfreude is all around us. It’s there in the way we do and view politics, how we treat celebrities, in online fail videos. Today it is probably easily felt and shared compared to earlier times. Most of us have a sense of unease while experiencing schadenfreude, but we squash it down firmly while enjoying yet another article or video about the failure of someone else, and if it is someone we don’t know, like a politician or celebrity, it somehow makes it ok. And if the suffering is because of something they said or did and is a comeuppance, it makes us feel justified as if they deserved whatever happened to them. But what about when we misjudge people? Those are the times our schadenfreude leaves feeling ackward and slightly upset at ourselves.

There has been an explosion of research. Before 2000, barely any academic articles were published with the word schadenfreude in their title, but now even a cursory search throws up hundreds, from neuroscience to philosophy to management studies. What is driving all this interest? No doubt it is partly motivated by our attempts to understand life in the internet age, where sniggering at other people, once often socially inappropriate, now comes with less risk. But could it also be that we are becoming more empathic? The capacity to attune ourselves to other people’s suffering is highly prized today, and rightly so. Putting ourselves in another’s shoes impacts on our ability to lead others, to parent, to be a decent partner and friend. And the more important empathy becomes, the more obnoxious schadenfreude seems. Schadenfreude has been called empathy’s shadow, casting the two as fundamentally incompatible. According to psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen, psychopaths are not only detached from other people’s suffering but even enjoy it. Yet schadenfreude has its benefits – a quick win which alleviates inferiority or envy; a way of bonding over the failure of a smug colleague. But it is also a testament to our capacity for emotional flexibility, our ability to hold apparently contradictory thoughts and feelings in mind simultaneously.

Living in an age of schadenfreude, we fear that this emotion can lead us astray and we really need to think with a different perspective about what this much-maligned emotion does for us, and what it tells us about our relationships with ourselves and each other.

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Exquisite, evocative and judgemental, schadenfreude is an inherent flaw in the human psyche, but it is a flaw we all must face up to and learn to live with if we truly want to understand life in the modern world.

Being in the Moment

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The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. – The Buddha

We’ve heard this before that instead of looking backwards or forwards, we should live in today. But is that something that is easy to do, especially in today’s fast-paced world, where you have so many demands on your life and time? There’s always something coming up that we need to prepare for or anticipate, and our lives are so well-documented that it’s never been easier to get lost in the past. Given the fast pace and hectic schedules most of us keep, a base level of anxiety, stress, and unhappiness is the new norm. We may not even realise it, but this tendency to get sucked into the past and the future can leave us perpetually worn out and feeling out of touch with ourselves.

The cure for this condition is what so many people have been saying all along – conscious awareness and a commitment to staying in the “now.” Living in the present moment is the solution to a problem we may not have known we had. But what does it actually mean to “live in the present moment?” How could we be living in anything but the present?

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Living in the present is not just an arbitrary term or a popular phrase—it’s a recognised and evidence-backed lifestyle that psychologists are quick to recommend for those struggling with anxiety and stress in their day-to-day life. Being in the present moment, or the “here and now,” means that we are aware and mindful of what is happening at this very moment. We are not distracted by ruminations on the past or worries about the future, but centered in the here and now. All of our attention is focused on the present moment.

Why is being present minded so important? Being present minded is the key to staying healthy and happy. It helps us fight anxiety, cut down on our worrying and rumination, and keeps us grounded and connected to ourselves and everything around us. Although it has become a popular topic in recent years, living in the present is not just a fad or trendy lifestyle tip, it is a way of life that is backed up by good science. Being present and exerting our ability to be mindful not only makes us happier, it can also help us deal with pain more effectively, reduce our stress and decrease its impact on our health, and improve our ability to cope with negative emotions like fear and anger.

Living in the now is so difficult because we are always encouraged to think about the future or dwell on our past. Advertisements, reminders, notifications, messages, and alerts are all so often geared towards the past or the future. Think about how often we are busy doing something else, perhaps even fully engrossed in it, when we are jolted out of our flow by our phone’s sudden “ding!” Our phones are incredible pieces of technology that allow us to do so much more and do it so much more efficiently than ever before, but we really need to take a break from our phones at least once in a while. Other factors that contribute to our inability to live in the now include the fact that we often edit out the bad parts of our experiences, making our past seem more enjoyable than it really was, we face a lot of uncertainty when we live in the present, which can cause anxiety and our minds simply tend to wander! It can be tough fighting these factors, but luckily we are not slaves to the tendencies of our brains and it is possible to overcome our more destructive or harmful urges and make better choices.

We need to have a balancing act between the past, present, and the future. We need to look back over our past successes and mistakes and learn from them and be planned for the future or prepare ourselves for what is to come.

It’s essential when we want to a healthy life to spend some time thinking about the past and the future, but it’s rare that we don’t think enough about the past or the future—usually our problem is focusing too intently, or even obsessively on the past or the future.

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One of the aims of mindfulness and a key factor in living a healthy life is to balance your thoughts of the past, the present, and the future. Thinking about any of them too much can have serious negative effects on our lives, but keeping the three in balance will help us to be happy and healthy people. It’s hard to say what the exact right balance is, but we will know we’ve hit that when we worry less, experience less stress on a regular basis, and find ourselves living the majority of our life in the present. So how do we ensure we get to this healthy balance? Here are some guidelines to keep in mind. Think about the past in small doses, and make sure we are focusing on the past for a reason, perhaps to relive a pleasant experience, or maybe identify where we went wrong, or figure out the key to a past success. We should think about the future in small doses, and make sure we are focusing on the future in a healthy, low-anxiety way which means we don’t spend time worrying about the future and think about the future just long enough to prepare for it and then move on. And lastly, we need to stay in the present moment for the vast majority of our time. It’s easy for me put these down here and I also struggle, but if we keep doing this, we will get better with practice.

So how can we live in the moment, but also plan for our future? It may seem complicated to figure out this delicate balance, but it’s not as complex as it seems. When we engage in mindfulness or present moment meditation, we are not ignoring or denying thoughts of the past or future, we are simply choosing not to dwell on them. It’s okay to acknowledge and label our past and future-focused thoughts, categorise them, and be aware of their importance. The important point is to not allow yourself to get swept up in thinking about the past or future. When we are aware and present, we don’t need to worry about getting caught up in thoughts of our past or anxiety about our future—we can revisit our past and anticipate what is to come without losing ourselves.

Present moment awareness is a great way to cut down on how much you worry. The following six steps will help us become more attuned to the present and rid ourselves of excess anxiety. We should cultivate unselfconsciousness and let go and stop thinking about our performance. We must practice the art of savouring which means avoid worrying about the future by fully experiencing the present. Another step is to focus on our breath and allow mindfulness to make us more peaceful and smooth our interactions with others. And then find our flow and make the most of our time by losing track of it. We should also improve our ability to accept, move toward what is bothering us rather than denying or running away from it. Lastly we should enhance our engagement and work on reducing moments of mindlessness and noticing new things to improve our mindfulness.

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For yoga practitioner, it is an excellent way to get connected to the present and stay in the moment. Yoga has many reasons that it is helpful for mindfulness, but one of the biggest is certainly the focus on the breath. However, for people like me, who are yoga-challenged, I believe that breath control and meditation helps in the pretty much the same way. Set aside some time every day, preferably in the mornings and meditate. It is not an instant cure, I will be honest. I used to meditate on and off previously, but since about April this year, I have start meditating seriously and it has taken me about six months for me to actually see results. I feel I am now more aware and also less stressed and things that used to cause me anxiety and stress have actually reduced. The best thing, I have started not worrying about things that don’t really matter and have started to beome non-judgemental and disengage myself from stressful situations which earlier used to make me spend hours worrying about.

I have found five execises which help to strengthen present moment awareness. The first is a mindful body scan, which I love and try to do at least twice a day, once in the morning to energise me and the second in the evening to help me relax. So how do we do a body scan? Sit or lie down and take a few deep, mindful breaths. Notice the way the breath enters and exits our lungs. Starting with your toes, focus the attention on one part of the body at a time. Pay attention to how that area is feeling and notice any sensations that are being experienced. After a few moments of focused attention, move up to the next part of your body, so from the toes to the feet to the calves, abdomen etc. If you are doing a body scan to relax, start from the top of your head and work your way downwards. Not only is a good method for putting you in a mindful state right off the bat, it can also help you notice when your body is feeling differently than normal. You might catch an injury or illness that you wouldn’t normally notice, just by taking a few minutes each morning to scan your body.

Another good exercise that can help set the right mindful tone for the day is to write in a journal. I have spoken about this previously and I like to use Google Docs for this as this allows me to sync the page across my different digital devices. For a more mindful day, when you start your day, take a few minutes and make an entry and write what is in your mind and clear it. Journaling like this allows us to remove all the thoughts from our heads and allow us to relax. The best thing, at least for me, is that these pages are very confidential and nobody other than me can access it. A physical book on the other hand, may land in hands you would rather not read what you have written. You can also visualise your goals which will make it more likely that they will be followed through and become mindful on a more regular basis. I like using project management tools to track my tasks for a week and when I check them off, it is a wonderful feeling. And when I finish my weekly tasks before Sunday, it is a serious high! People also say that taking a mindful walk among nature is a good way to cultivate mindfulness. Just engage all your senses and stay aware of what’s happening both around you and within you, be intentional with your awareness; notice your feet hitting the ground with each step, see everything there is to see around you, open your ears to all the sounds surrounding you, feel each inhale and exhale, and just generally be aware of what is happening in each moment. Lastly before you end your day, take a few minutes and review your day. Think back to the start of the day and remember your mindfulness exercise that kicked it all off. Think about how it made you feel. Think through the rest of your day, being sure to note any particularly mindful moments or memorable events. Take stock of your mood as you moved through your daily routine and end your day on the right note.

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You can become mindful at any moment just by paying attention to your immediate experience. You can do it right now. What’s happening this instant? Think of yourself as an eternal witness, and just observe the moment. What do you see, hear, smell? It doesn’t matter how it feels—pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad—you roll with it because it’s what’s present; you’re not judging it. And if you notice your mind wandering, bring yourself back. Just say to yourself, “Now. Now. Now.”

Here’s the most fundamental paradox of all: Mindfulness isn’t a goal, because goals are about the future, but you do have to set the intention of paying attention to what’s happening at the present moment. Become aware of being alive. And breathe. As you draw your next breath, focus on the rise of your abdomen on the in-breath, the stream of heat through your nostrils on the out-breath. If you’re aware of that feeling right now, as you’re reading this, you’re living in the moment. Nothing happens next. It’s not a destination. This is it. You’re already there.