Positive Self-Affirmations: Your Psychological Immune System

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Sometime last week, I randomly had a thought of putting together all the affirmations I had collected and written down in different places into one document. I truly didn’t know why I did what I did and decided to find out more about affirmations and see whether they have any impact on our lives and if they are beneficial in any way. I have used positive affirmations previously and also have read the book, The Secret, but to be honest, the affirmations did not work for me previously. So I decided to find out more about affirmations and maybe this time, I will be able to successfully use affirmations.

So let’s start at the very beginning – what exactly are positive affirmations? Affirmations which are a New Age terminology are said to be “the practice of positive thinking and self-empowerment—fostering a belief that “a positive mental attitude supported by affirmations will achieve success in anything.” More specifically, an affirmation is a carefully formatted statement that should be repeated to one’s self and written down frequently. For affirmations to be effective, it is said that they need to be present tense, positive, personal and specific.

These ideas grew in popularity after books like Rhonda Bryrne’s The Secret, Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich and Wallace D. Wattles’ 1910 book The Science of Getting Rich became popular in their times. Affirmations are also referred to in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), Neuro Associative Conditioning “NAC” as popularized by Anthony Robbins, and hypnosis.

What it means is that when we think positively and have positive thoughts relating to a specific event or thing we want, we manage to turn things in our tide using the power of our mind and that specific event happens or we get hold of exactly what we want. In other words, they are positive phrases or statements used to challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts.

A 2009 study found that positive affirmation had a small, positive effect on people with high self-esteem, but a detrimental effect on those with low self-esteem. Individuals with low self-esteem who made positive affirmations felt worse than individuals who made positive statements but were allowed to consider ways in which the statements were false. There have also been some studies which show that when self-affirmation statements which involve writing about one’s core values rather than repeating a positive self-statement can improve performance under stress.

It is said that affirmations are not only for manifesting a specific goal, but they are also meant to encourage a life filled with positivity and gratitude.

We do speak with ourselves in different times during the day, something pepping us up and at other times cursing ourselves when we make a blunder. I tend to be more on the negative side as opposed to the positive side. Daily affirmations are like a psychological immune system. When you get bogged down or thinking negatively, your affirmations will allow you to pick you up and get you back on track.

While researching for this post, I read up a few articles on positive affirmations and saw that, in spite of my scepticism, there are benefits to this practice.

You perform better under stress – positive self-affirmations allow you to release your stress and help you perform better, whether at home, in school or at work.

You are better off psychologically – When someone uses positive affirmations regularly, they tend to feel happier, more optimistic, more hopeful, healthier, less sad and less angry.

Healthy habits – You can also use positive affirmations to change habits. Reminding yourself periodically can help promote a healthier way of living. Apparently a recent study showed that optimistic people have healthier hearts.

Self-Awareness – When you think, speak or write certain thoughts on a daily basis, you become more aware of them and then consciously work to reduce negativity in your life. This allows you to become a more positive person both inward and outwards.

Gratitude – Daily affirmations keep you in a constant state of gratitude. When you remember the small things that make you happy, you become aware of the little things in life that are important. This is especially true today when we live a fast paced life, one that is constantly on our smart phones.

Motivation – Affirmations allow you to motivate yourself into doing positive actions. When you tell yourself you will be successful in a particular activity, then the chances are that you will focus all your attention in making sure you do your best in this activity and be the best you are. Your thoughts point to the direction of your life’s actions.

So how do we go about making positive self-affirmations? You can think about them, repeat a sentence like a mantra while you practice meditation (in fact, I remember reading that meditating over a self-affirmation is a great way to do it), write it down some place or even whisper it under your breath at periodic points in your day. You could do one, more or even all of these during your day to affirm your thought for the day. There is no hard and fast rules about the timing or frequency when it comes to practicing positive self-affirmations.

According to psychotherapist Ronald Alexander of the Open Mind Training Institute, affirmations can be repeated up to three to five times daily to reinforce the positive belief. He suggests that writing your affirmations down in a journal and practicing them in the mirror is a good method for making them more powerful and effective.

You can create your own affirmation phrase which is generic like, “I am a successful person” or “I am confident and capable at what I do” or focus on a specific area of your life like, “I choose only to think good thoughts” or “I choose to eat healthily for all meals.

You can also create your own positive affirmation cards on small credit card sized paper where you write your chosen affirmation and pop it into your bag to read throughout the day. I prefer using an online diary like Google Docs and writing down my affirmations and I can view them while I am working or even during my commute as I whip out my phone and read it on the go.

There are loads of resouces online which have many affirmations you can use or you can create your own affirmations. What works for someone may not be the best affirmation for you, so you need to work around and see what works best for you. I personally feel this is more of a trial and error method.

Positive self-affirmations can be a refreshing way to use positive self-talk capable of reversing negative internal messages and motivating ourselves. Do you have your own affirmations you’d like to share? Or, even better, how do you come up with your own affirmations? Share in the comments, I’d love to hear them!

Poem: Eyes

I have documented my issues with my eyes previously and that’s when I really realised how much we depend on our eyes in our daily activities.

At its peak, when I was scared that I would not be able to see from that eye anymore, I was tourtured by the thought that I will never be able to see my children or my loved ones again or even this beautiful world we have.

So here’s today’s poem in honour of the importance our eyes have for us.

Eyes

The first thing we do when we wake up

And the last thing we do when we end the day, tired and yawning

Is to open or shut our eyes, our window to the world

Our eyes show us this beautiful world

Let us know the love that shines in the eyes of the ones we loved

We use it all day, every day

Until its an automatic gesture, missing it only when it gets in disarray

So make sure you take care of your eyes

You only have a pair till you die

Otherwise, you may fall into despair and regret

At that point, there’s nothing to do but fume and fret!

Poem: My Cup of Coffee

Most of us start the day with a cup of coffee in various forms. I started drinking coffee fairly early, perhaps around the age of six or seven. I hated drinking milk and it used to be a huge production when I was young to make me drink my milk. I think my mum and grandma gave in around age six or seven and I started drinking coffee. The love affair with the drink started then and has not waned over the years. I’ve tried different variations and have now decided black coffee is my favourite, followed closely by the filter coffee made by my mum!

My Cup of Joy – Coffee

I wake up when the alarm rings
And make my way to my kitchen
Where my cup of steaming coffee awaits me

I sit and contemplate the dark drink
Think about my day and how it will wing
A cup of coffee is the perfect aid
To contemplate my views about my world

To sort out how my day will fare
To clear any kinks in the air
A cup of coffee in the afternoon
Is the best solution to the dreaded 3 pm slump

And then there’s the time
A cup of coffee in your hand
A friend by your side
And the hours just slide away

As you can see, I love my coffee
It can be any blend, but has to be black
A cup of coffee makes my day and world
Just seem a tad better, as we all know

Why Girls do better in school, but Boys excel in the workplace?

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This is a scene common across schools, colleges and universities around the world. A girl is most likely the topper of her cohort and more girls occupy the top positions than boys. Logical expectation would be that these same women who are so successful in school, would continue their successful run when they enter the workforce. But this does not really happen. You don’t see many women in the higher positions at work, there, it is the men who hold a staggering 95 percent of the top positions in the largest public companies.

I have always wondered why this happens. What happens to women that they are not able to replicate the success they have in school at work. Some weeks back, I happened to read an article in the newspaper, authored by Lisa Damour, a practising clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming book, ‘Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls’ which tried to explain this phenomena and so I thought I should share this here in case there are others, parents with daughters who wonder why their daughter who was successful in school is not able to climb the corporate ladder just as fast.

A study by journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman on what deters professional advancement in women found that it was a shortage of confidence rather than a shortage of competence that was the reason for this lack of advancement.

When it comes to wok-related confidence, they found that men are far ahead. “Underqualified and underprepared men don’t think twice about leaning in,” they wrote. On the other hand, “Overqualified and over prepared, too many women still hold back. Women feel confident only when they are perfect.”

This is so true! I find myself constantly nagging at BB to study, while he is very nonchalant about the whole thing. He always assures me that what he is done should be enough to get through the exam. GG on the other hand, is always at her desk, writing notes, studying for a test or just revising previously studied topics. I have to force her to take breaks, while I have to do the exact opposite with BB.

In fact it’s a common refrain in our home that if BB needs an hour to study a certain topic, then GG takes at the very least double that time to study the same topic. For subjects where she is stronger, she will still take time to polish her work, while BB will just skate through.

According to the article I read, it is this experience of being successful in school with little to no effort is the probably the crux to helping our sons develop confidence because they can see that they can accomplish much by just relying on their wits and memory power. School for them, serves as a test track, one where they develop skills and build beliefs in their abilities and grow increasingly confident about relying on it. Our daughters on the other hand, miss the chance to gain confidence in their abilities if they always count on intellectual ability to get ahead in life.

So how do we get our hyper conscientious girls and boys (exceptions do happen across the norm) to build both confidence along with competence at school?

For starters, both parents and teachers can and should stop praising inefficient overwork, even if it results in good grades. I am really guilty of this as I think I am old school in thinking that the longer you spend studying, the better it is. According to the author, gendered approaches to learning set in early, so it’s never too soon to start working against them.

We should also encourage girls towards a different approach to school, one that’s more focused on economy of effort, rather than how many hours they out in.

One thing as parents we can do is to teach them to become more tactical in their studying, to get them to figure how to continue to learn and get the same grades, while at the same time do a bit less. This, they can do by taking a sample test before they start studying to see how much they know before they can figure out what else they need to do to get to the level they need to be for that topic.

Teachers can also help here. When a girl with high grades turns in extra work to be marked, the teacher should ask if this is because she still can’t really understand the topic, or if it is because it’s only for bragging rights or to become a teacher’s pet. If it’s the former, then that’s great, because she knows where she lacks and is working towards it. But if it’s the latter, then the teacher needs to let her know that it is unnecessary and that she should focus her time on things that really matter.

Finally, as parents and teachers, it is our duty to keep reaffirming to our daughters that it is normal and healthy to feel some anxiety about school. Too often girls are anxious about being anxious, so they turn to excessive studying for comfort. We should remind them that being nervous about school and tests is a good thing and it means they care about it, which is only right.

Not everyone wants to become a CEO, but even If that’s the case, as a parent, we worry that our daughters will be eventually crushed by the weight of her own academic habits. While a degree of stress is good and allows a person to grow, working hard all the time with no breaks is very unhealthy and unsustainable in the long run, even for the most academically dedicated student. There is a very severe case of burnout waiting to happen.

Actually a lack of confidence is not the only thing keeping women from top jobs. Women also face gender bias, sexual harassment and very powerful structural barriers in the workplace. I have written about the issues women face in the workplace earlier, here and here. But gaining confidence in the workplace is something we can address, starting from shoring up their confidence right from school.

Many professional men brim with confidence because they have spent years getting to know their abilities. Women should arrive at work with that same confidence, that’s the only way we can ensure equality in a world where women hold up half the sky.

Memories: Grandmother Tales – 2

I am the first grandchild in both my paternal and maternal families and hence have been quite pampered, atleast until my sister was born, around 18 months later.

They say children don’t really have memories until they are around 2 years old, and I am also not very sure if this is a genuine memory or the following memory is something that is there because it was told to me by people. This memory is of the time when my sister was born. I had an aunt who used to stay in New Delhi at that point in time as her husband was in the armed services and lived in a defence colony. My paternal grandparents took me with them when they went to visit her. I was, as I mentioned, around 18 months old at that time. I was extremely close to my paternal grandmother so it should not have been an issue for me to be away from my parents for a couple of months. My grandparents took me with them so my mother who was recruperating the birth of my sister at her mum’s place need not have the hassle of looking after an active toddler too.

It’s important in this story to note that the then Indian Prime Minister had declared a state of emergancy in the country during that period. Since we were living in a defence area, that place was highly regulated and strict. I have memories of Indira Gandhi coming on television nightly, probably talking about the situation in the country. For some reason I was very scared of her and this was excabated by them telling me that if I did something naughty, she will come and take me away! Imagine how terrified I was then, an 18-month old toddler, away from my parents for the very first time in my life. And I was in a situation where I could not even get to my mum if I wanted to until and unless I was taken back to Bombay.

This aunt of mine did not have any children and perhaps the way things worked back then was like this. But if something like this happened today, all hell would have broken loose. I also think women at that time were more conditioned to just accept what their elders tell them. I don’t condemn anyone in a similar situation, but it has to be a very excruciating situation before I would allow something like that to happen with me and my children.

My relationship with my paternal grandmother was very special. In tamil families, the oldest grandchild is given the paternal parent’s name (depending on gender), the next oldest, the maternal grandparents name, if of the same gender and so on. So by this naming convention, my grandmother’s name was bestowed upon me. But so that the younger generation don’t call a child by the same name as that of an elder, this was usually the formal name with another name being used at home and in casual settings. In mine and my sister’s case, though our grandmother’s names are mentioned in our birth certificates, it also includes our other name, which then became our formal name.

So in the light of the above paragraph, like I said, I had a very special connection with my paternal grandmother. She lived with us till I was around 6-7 years old, then moved to be with my paternal uncle who moved to another state for work as he was still unmarried then. I still remember all the stories she used to tell us and the yummy dishes she made for us. And when they would visit us during holidays, or we visited them when they decided to make Bangalore their retirement home, I would snuggle with her at night, because I missed her so much!

She passed away suddenly when I was 16 and I think I cried almost a week thinking about her. In fact, I had made plans to go alone to Bangalore after my grade 12 exams to stay an extra month with her before the rest of the family came, but that plan just remained that.

I really enjoyed writing this post, so much that I will share more childhood memories in the coming months. I should do this before I forget them, after all, oral memories much be written down before they are forgotten.

In case you want to know more about my paternal grandmother, here’s another post I wrote a few years back.

What are your memories about your grandmother? Do you have a favourite one?