Grandmother Tales: The Maternal Edition

Posted on May 20, 2022 by memoriesandsuch

In today’s Grandmother Tales, the spotlight is on my maternal grandmother whom I also called ammama just like my paternal grandmother. And following me, all my maternal cousins also called my grandmother ammama while their paternal grandmothers used to be called pati, the traditional moniker for a Tamil grandmother

We lost my K ammama last December at the age of 91 and this was a huge blow to all of us. Because of COVID restrictions, none of us had met her in over two years and I was stoked to be able to meet her when I planned my India trip in January, but it was not meant to be. My mother had met her in September and she was so thankful to have made that trip because otherwise, she would have lived with the regret of not meeting her mother even though they both lived in the same country.

Ammama lost her mother when she was about 9 or 10 and she and her younger brother were brought up by per uncle and aunt (her father’s older brother and his wife). Her father was a teacher and retired as the principal of a school in the south. She was a very petite lady and barely came up to my shoulders, but had a superb work ethic, one that I can only hope to emulate. Even at the age of 91, she would work tirelessly until late at night, finding something or the other to do, instead of just sitting down and wasting time.

She was married to my tatha or grandfather when she was about 18 or so and moved to what was then Bombay. Initially, they lived in a joint family, but when everyone’s family grew, they moved to a one-room apartment. My tatha worked for Indian Airlines on the operations side and so had to work shifts. They had four daughters, of which my mother was the oldest. After the youngest daughter was born, they gave her to her childless sister-in-law (my tatha’s older sister) who lived nearby to raise her. There was no legal adoption done and my aunt used to call her adoptive parents uncle and aunt and my grandparents as mother and father but lived separately. The sisters used to meet daily and knew of their relationship, it’s just that this aunt was raised in a different building. My grandmother always yearned for a son and so my male cousins quickly became her favourite, but we girls never really minded this.

Growing up, of all the sisters, only my mum lived the closest and so my sister and I spent many holidays at ammama’s house. I remember the times when we were in kindergarten and the early primary school years when my mum would come to school during dismissal time to pick us up and take us to our grandmother’s place. We would spend the whole day there and go back home after dinner when my dad would come to pick us up.

When I was moving from grade 9 to 10, I had tuition in the summer holidays, so after spending a couple of weeks in Bengaluru, I took my first flight alone back to Mumbai where my grandfather picked me up and I stayed with them for the rest of the summer until my mum and sister came back from their holiday. My father came home earlier, but he lived at home while I was at my grandparent’s house and used to travel to my tuition centre daily.

One of my best friends lived next door to my grandparents’ home and my grandmother used to always complain that when we visited, I used to pop in, say hello, leave my shoes and then run to my friend’s house. I have so many memories of playing with her all day and when I stayed overnight there, late into the night. We played so many games and had so many heart-to-heart talks. I am still in touch with her and used to go and visit her parents every time I visited Mumbai until they passed away.

I was in my teens when my grandparents moved to Chennai after my grandfather retired. They were able to sell their small flat for a larger flat so they could finally enjoy the space in their retirement years. When they moved to Chennai, we used to split our holidays between their home and my other grandparents’ home in Bengaluru. I remember taking the train to Chennai, spending a couple of weeks there and then taking the overnight mail train to Bengaluru where my grandparents used to wait at the Cantonment station.

My grandmother had a great work ethic and I remember waking up at almost midnight when we used to stay over and see her either cleaning the kitchen or some other work because she could not sleep. And even just a few days before she fell and had to be hospitalised, she was working daily, cooking and cleaning. She was very particular about cleanliness and would spend hours making sure everything was spotless and in its correct place. She was also very particular about other things in her life and would spend hours making sure her clothes and her children and grandchildren’s clothes were clean, and neat and would immediately stitch anything that needed stitching.

In the last few years of her life, she slowed down considerably. She lived alone in Chennai for a few years after my grandfather passed away and then moved to Bengaluru to live with my mum’s third sister. And then after her second daughter’s husband passed away and my aunt had some issues, both physical and mental, she moved in and started looking after her daughter. She spent almost 10 years with this particular daughter and my aunt has been especially hit hard by her death.

When she died, because of COVID, nobody could go down and see her one last time. But thanks to technology, we were able to see her death ceremony rituals streamed live and even though it was via my phone and laptop screen, we all could see her one last time. When I was in Bengaluru earlier this year, my aunt who also lives in the same community as my parents and I spoke a lot about my grandmother and shared so many memories. This is the same aunt with whom my grandmother lived before she moved in with my second aunt. I was quite heartbroken that I could not see my grandmother one last time, and missed her by just about a month.

Writing this blog post has been quite cathartic and I found myself smiling at memories of my ammama and also shedding a few tears. Thanks for reading and allowing me to share some memories of my maternal grandmother. If you haven’t yet, but want to read my memories about my paternal grandmother, click here, here and here.

Poem: Mondays

Posted on May 16, 2022 by memoriesandsuch

I usually love Mondays, because it’s the start of the new week and a chance to do everything right. So this poem, written on Monday, no less, and posted on another Monday, shares that enthusiasm for a day that is not generally loved by everyone.

Mondays

I woke up before the alarm goes off and jumped
All ready for this week to start
It’s a Monday morning and I am pumped
I get a rush of adrenaline, there’s exhilaration in my heart

I love the start of a new week
It’s the chance to rewrite your week on a clean slate
The time to create a new to-do list and maybe become a tech geek
This is the time to complete your tasks and clear your plate

And if Monday is the start of a new month and even better, a new year
That’s something that doesn’t occur frequently, so when it does
Make sure you are productive and start your week, month or year on a cheer
And when the day’s tasks are done, you end it on a high note and a buzz

So all those who get the Monday blues
Have a positive attitude and your Mondays will soon be pink
Full of energy and vitality, you live the life you choose
So maybe it’s time to revise attitudes, time for a rethink

So your Mondays are as good as your weekends
And your week runs past with productivity and flies away
With cheer that gives multiple dividends
Smiling and cheerful, you then look forward to the new Monday just a sleep away

Guilty Pleasures: Really?

Posted on May 13, 2022 by memoriesandsuch

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens is the first line of an evergreen song from the classic, The Sound of Music and my all-time favourite movie. For those who haven’t seen the film, this song takes place when the children are petrified by thunder and lightning and their governess, Maria, sings this song about her favourite things to lighten the mood. The other day, I was humming this song when I thought of this post, but instead of my favourite things, let’s talk about guilty pleasures.

So what is a guilty pleasure? A guilty pleasure is something that one enjoys despite understanding that it is not generally held in high regard, or is seen as unusual or weird. It can also be used to refer to one’s taste for foods that are considered to be advisable to avoid, especially for health reasons. Social norms define what one should be guilty of. One may feel bad when they don’t do house chores, because it is socially appropriate that they be responsible for their house. In social media, the social rule is to be online and participative as much as one can and so because of social norms, there is a feeling of guilt, and we avoid making any mistakes.

Some experts suggest that women and other marginalised groups be careful not to attach negative connotations to pleasure, particularly since they may be associating guilt with pleasure as an outcome of historically having been denied pleasure. Having emotional and intellectual release valves is important for productivity, and balanced living and can help relieve stress during difficult times. Guilty pleasures help provide some important mental breaks, so never feel guilty about them.

Engaging in guilty pleasure brings out our inner child. We engage in mischief and find it thrilling, testing the boundaries of how far we can go without being caught. We feel pleasure and a sense of relief when we allow ourselves to give in to our guilty pleasures. Guilty pleasure is simply the joy of doing something but at the same time feeling a little bad about doing it. This is society’s way of making people feel that their pleasures are not educational, informative, or purposeful.

It is a fact that leisure time should be spent wisely and productively so that the mind can be developed and we gain more knowledge. Our brain needs to rest, and indulging in pleasures that engage with a reward pathway are ways of easing brain stress. Guilty pleasures bring positive emotions, reduce stress, and improve mental health and well-being. Engaging in pleasurable activities is harmless and is considered healthy. One feels good and happy after sitting for at least an hour watching their favourite movie or TV show and the same feeling is got when one travels to a new place or goes to a concert of their favourite musician or artist.

Guilty pleasures don’t have to be grand and expensive. Simple everyday things can be guilty pleasures. Playing an interactive game on your phone before doing house chores can be very rewarding and motivating. You feel a sense of triumph when you allow yourself to have fun.

Enjoying some pleasurable time is good. But too much can cause problems. But if one postpones work by say binge-watching a show, that’s procrastination and that’s a big no-no. But if at the end of the day, you read a book or watch something that need not be educational or productive, that is a guilty pleasure. No one should abuse any guilty pleasure. It should be considered a gift because one can pause what they’re doing and enjoy a piece of chocolate or two before resuming work. It should be used as a tool to relax and reset the brain to function better.

Indulging in guilty pleasures is good only if it is short-term and if you can control your urges. Constantly allowing yourself to give in to these pleasurable urges, especially the negative ones, can be damaging and harmful in the long run. The keys are self-control and balance. Being able to control yourself is important if you don’t want to feel guilty about your pleasures. According to research, those who are self-conscious have greater self-control. This means that if you are very conscious about yourself, what you eat, watch, or do and think about their negative effects on you, you are more likely to guard yourself against over-indulging. Often, it is people who have poor control who feel the guiltiest. This is why you should master and control yourself. Guilty pleasures won’t make you feel so guilty because you are not enslaved by them. Allowing yourself some guilty pleasures can help you recover more quickly and have a healthier disposition.

It is time to drop the shame and indulge in your guilty pleasures. These pleasures are good for your well-being and mental health. You are only productive and inspired when you are happy. Have more self-compassion and be free to enjoy whatever you want as long as you are not hurting anybody. Tell yourself that you deserve this pleasure because you have earned it and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about it.

So what are your guilty pleasures?

Women’s Empowerment

Posted on May 11, 2022 by memoriesandsuch

It’s been about two months since International Women’s Day was celebrated and commemorated across the world. Everywhere, be it on social media or in the physical world, we saw people celebrating the day with events and posts aimed at empowering women. But what happened after that? I feel we have gone back to business as usual. Things are becoming better, 2022 was better than 2021 which was slightly better than 2020, but the issues surrounding women’s empowerment still need a lot to be desired.

Women empowerment means gender equality, since there is a serious inequality between women and men in every sphere of our life. Women Empowerment is not a segmental need, but a solution to the great problems that afflict the world. The empowerment of women has a far-reaching impact on their own lives, their families and communities, and society as a whole. Women who are empowered to make choices in all areas of their lives, have greater control over their health, their careers and their quality of life.

Women’s or female empowerment may be defined in several ways, including accepting women’s viewpoints or making an effort to seek them, raising the status of women through education, awareness, literacy, and training. Women’s empowerment equips and allows women to make life-determining decisions through the different problems in society so they may have the opportunity to redefine gender roles or other such roles, which in turn may allow them more freedom to pursue desired goals. It allows women to control and benefit from resources, assets, and income as well as aids their ability to manage risk and improve well-being resulting in approaches to support trivialised genders in a particular political or social context. While often interchangeably used, the more comprehensive concept of gender empowerment concerns people of any gender, stressing the distinction between biological and gender as a role. Women empowerment helps in boosting the status of women through literacy, education, training and awareness creation and refers to women’s ability to make strategic life choices that had been previously denied them. Nations, businesses, communities and groups may benefit from the implementation of programs and policies that adopt the notion of female empowerment and this, in turn, enhances the quality and the number of human resources available for development. Empowerment is one of the main procedural concerns when addressing human rights and development.

In a world where almost 50% of the world’s population comprises women, empowering this section of society is not just important, but essential. Even today, there are many societies where women are still discriminated against because of their gender. Even in many first world countries, women are still paid less and are expected to take on the lion’s share of the housework and rear children. etc. In many cultures, women are not allowed outside after sunset, work outside the house and if allowed to work, not allowed to work far away from their homes, not allowed to choose their life partners and in many villages in India, are dictated on what they can and can’t wear and even on whether they can use a phone or not!

Empowering women is to give women the right. Women can and should have an equal right to participate in education, society, economy and politics. An empowered woman is a strong one who can do anything they want to do. Empowerment helps to reduce in domestic violence, sexual abuse, emotion abuse and physical abuse.

When societies progress, societal culture should not be seen as a barrier and an obstacle to women’s rights. Culture is an integral and huge part of diversity and a medium that seeks to ensure women’s equal opportunities. It recognises their freedom to take pride in their values, whether they are orthodox or modern in nature. There is a need for equal cultural rights for women to be acknowledged and implemented which would in turn help to reconstruct gender in ways that would rise above women’s inferiority and subordination. Experts say that women must be recognised as, and supported to be, equal spokespersons vested with the authority to determine which of the community’s traditions are to be respected, protected and transmitted to future generations. Many of the barriers to women’s empowerment and equity are the result of cultural norms. While many women are aware issues posed by gender inequality, others have become accustomed to it. Many men in power are hesitant to disrupt societal norms that are unfair to women.

Research shows that the increasing access to the Internet can also result in an increased exploitation of women because releasing personal information on websites has put some women’s personal safety at risk. In 2010, Working to Halt Online Abuse stated that 73% of women were victimized through such sites. According to the International Labour Organisation or ILO, sexual harassment is a clear form of gender discrimination based on sex, a manifestation of unequal power relations between men and women. Studies show that women face more barriers in the workplace than men with gender-related barriers involving sexual harassment, unfair hiring practices, career progression, and unequal pay where women are paid less than men are for performing the same job. When taking the median earnings of men and women who worked full-time, year-round, government data from 2014 showed that women made $0.79 for every dollar a man earned and the average earnings for working mothers came out to even less — $0.71 for every dollar a father made, according to 2014 study conducted by the National Partnership for Women and Children. While much of the public discussion of the wage gap has focused around women getting equal pay for the same work as their male peers, many women struggle with what is called the “pregnancy penalty”. This occurrence is difficult to measure, but the possibility of having a baby can be enough for employers to disrupt women’s pay. Women are put in a position where they need to make the decision of whether to maintain in the workforce or have children.

Education empowers women to make choices that improve their children’s health, their well-being, and chances of acquiring survival skills. Education informs others of preventing and containing a disease and empowers women to make choices that can improve their welfare, including marrying beyond childhood and having fewer children. Education can increase women’s awareness of their rights, boost their self-esteem, and provide them the opportunity to assert their rights. Education is not universally available and gender inequalities persist. A major concern in many countries is not only the limited numbers of girls going to school, but also the number of educational pathways for those that step into the classroom. In some parts of the world, girls and women are attacked for attending school, and societal efforts to stop this may be lacking. COVID has made these inequalities starker with many girls and women pulled out of schools and institutions of higher learnings.

The Internet is also conversely often a source of empowerment for women through its creation, dispersion, and utilisation of hashtags on social media. Growing Internet access in the late 20^th century provided women with various tools to empower themselves. Women began to use social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter for online activism and through this, they are able to empower themselves by organising campaigns and voicing their opinions for equality rights. Blogging emerged as one tool for educational female empowerment. According to a study done by the University of California, Los Angeles, medical patients who read and write about their disease are often in a much happier mood and more knowledgeable than those who do not. By reading others’ experiences, patients can better educate themselves and apply strategies that their fellow bloggers suggest. With the easy accessibility and affordability of e-learning, women can study from the comfort of their homes and learn skills that help them advance in their careers.

Women are the secret to a nation’s bright future and so any country which empowers its girls and women is one which has invested in its future. So if you are a woman reading this, make sure you let your daughters be able to soar and reach their full potential. And if you have sons, teach them to respect women and be an admirable ally to the women in their lives. And if you are a man reading this, be the ally that the women around you are proud to have.

Retirement Living: Yay or Nay?

Posted on May 6, 2022 by memoriesandsuch

As regular readers know, my parents finally moved to a retirement community earlier this year. After pushing back for years, they finally decided to make the move after visiting the place last year. Why this one and not another, especially since this is not close to Mumbai? This is because my mother’s sister also moved here a year or so back and her cousin also has a flat in the same complex. With both me and my sister living outside India, they realised that when it would come to an emergency, there was no one they could turn to. Almost all our relatives and extended family had moved away or had passed on and those who were still in Mumbai were either too far away or not close enough to call in an emergency. The pandemic showed them that they could not live alone and the multiple lockdowns cemented their decision to move away to someplace where they have people around them in an emergency and most importantly have immediate medical attention should they need it.

In a country like India where family is everything, it’s surprising, but today there are many retirement communities across the country. A senior living home or retirement community is a residential community or housing complex designed for older adults that provides facilities and socialisation opportunities to make life easier and more comfortable for seniors. Many communities also offer assisted living facilities for those who are no longer mobile due to illness or old age. Most retirement communities in India only allow people aged 55+ to live on their premises, although there is no restriction on who can buy. Facilities in a retirement community home usually include housekeeping, laundry, community dining, a convenience store, doctor on call, nurse and ambulance on-premises and some even have a clubhouse offering facilities for socialisation like a theatre, a gym, a library, a swimming pool, among others. Some facilities offer physiotherapy and Ayurveda facilities as well and these communities organise social, cultural and spiritual activities for the residents. Virtually all retirement communities are located on the outskirts of Tier 1 and Tier 2 cities but within 10-20 km of a good hospital with which the community will usually have a tie-up. Most communities also provide guesthouses so relatives and friends visiting residents can stay, have some kind of transport to the nearest town, and security arrangements. The homes and premises have ramps and are wheelchair friendly. Bathrooms have grab rails and anti-skid tiles, rooms have emergency buttons and fire alarms and other safety features.

Earlier in India, senior care was confined to old age homes, usually meant for the destitute and run in the name of a charity. Case in point, when we let everyone know about my parent’s move to a retirement community, eyebrows were raised and comments were made about moving to an old age home. But this is far from the truth. Today a large number of senior citizens, especially in the middle and upper classes and more so those whose children either live overseas or not in the same city as they opt to live in a retirement community to continue to live independently for as long as they could. And when they can no longer live independently, there are options to have a caretaker live with them so they can continue to live independently.

According to the consultancy firm Jones Lang LaSalle India, the senior living industry around the world is worth $25 billion, and as the population of senior citizens above the age of 60 grows to about 173 million by 2025, the industry will grow by leaps and bounds. Today, the current annual demand for senior homes is around 312,000, far outstripping the supply of about 20,000 to 30,000 available homes. The trend of building retirement communities started at the turn of the century in south Indian cities but has today moved up north too. By 2013, there were 30 retirement communities in the country and today there are over 80, with several more in the pipeline.

So why do so many seniors move to such communities? Based on our experiences and what I saw during my time in the community my parents currently live in, it is mainly because seniors find it hard to manage and maintain their own homes. The daily housework, looking after each other’s health, the daily shopping and medications all take a toll on them. Also, because of rising crime rates against seniors living alone makes it hard for their children who worry for their parents. Living alone, especially during the pandemic and lockdowns meant they were isolated and could not even talk to others face-to-face. Even though in our Mumbai home, we had very good neighbours, because everyone was concerned about their health and safety, there would be days when except to open the door for the milkman and helper, my mother would not see our neighbours. During lockdowns, it was especially hard for my sister and me to ensure our parents had access to daily necessities as they constituted the vulnerable group and so were not encouraged to go out. We had to depend on friends and agencies who would help. Luckily, my parents have embraced online shopping, so they could order pretty much everything online and what could not be delivered was brought by our domestic helper.

Living in a retirement community has other advantages, especially the assistance needed can be personalised. In the community my parents live in, many seniors have homes in the city and come to the community a few weeks at a time and then go back to their homes. This way, they get the best of both worlds. Those who are active and fit can continue to live independently, cooking their food and doing their shopping. For those who don’t want to cook, there is community dining, with a dining hall where you can have your meals or if you are not very mobile, you can order the food to be delivered to your own home. My parents do a hybrid version. They cook some meals and have the others delivered. My mother has the time to take regular walks which were difficult previously, also because we lived on the third floor of a walkup apartment and my father found it hard to walk up the stairs. Here, with the lift, they can manage multiple walks in a day. There is also a physiotherapist who comes in daily and in addition to the treatment they provide as part of the services of the community, you can also hire them to work with patients with ailments and they provide customised care. My father uses a physiotherapist who comes daily to provide care and we can see a significant improvement in his health.

Of course, all this costs money and in addition to the maintenance we pay to the community, we have to pay for all meals taken, the domestic helper and the physiotherapist as well as any medical treatments done. Also, if the community is made up of seniors entirely, the lack of interaction with people of all ages can be tiring, so many developers integrate the senior community within a larger housing community, which is also true of where my parents now live in.

Another thing I noticed is that most senior communities are communal. And when I say communal, it means a large portion of the residents belong to a specific state, community or even region. This is both good and bad. Good because when there are people like you, the community then becomes an extension of your home, with food being cooked more or less like how you would make it, festivals being celebrated like how you do at home and communication freer with others because you know each other on a cultural level. And bad because it makes it very communal and does not allow you to interact with people from different communities and religions which is what makes living in a community so special.

I for one would love to explore living in such a community once we retire. Unfortunately, at this point, there is nothing like this available in Singapore, but I am not sure what the situation will be in the next few decades when we do retire. What would you do? Would you consider moving to a retirement community if you have the chance? I would love to hear your thoughts, please comment and let me know.

Memories and Such

Memories of a very ordinary life

Category Archives: Writing