Tag Archives: Children

Empathy: Walking in others shoes

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“Don’t judge a man before you have walked a mile in his shoes”

This ancient Cherokee saying nails what empathy is all about in today’s world!

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Empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

In today’s dog-eat-dog world, where success has to be seized by any means, fair or foul, having empathy to your fellow beings is becoming increasingly rare. Especially when it comes to teens today. Any normal teen is sullen, selfish and only looks to self-gratification. Add the push from parents to succeed at any cost and be a step in front of your peers, makes them lack this very important trait. This is also the reason that bullying cases are at an all-time high!

A couple of weeks back, in one of the children’s school parent group chats, one of the parents had posted that her niece, also in Secondary 1 had run away from home and school! Luckily she was found a day later and safe, but when probed to the reason for running away, she cited bullying as the main reason. After that, pretty everyone, including yours truly had bullying episodes to share. Both BB & GG were bullied in primary school, for very different reasons which I don’t want to share now, but from what I understood it has now become so common that it’s almost like a rite of passage!

But why are we raising children who don’t know how to relate to their peers? Why can’t children today ‘walk in their friend’s shoes’ and understand them? Once this happens, this will reduce bullying to a large extent, in my opinion, as most bullies are those who are probably threatened by the thought of someone or something which represents the person and so they bully them before they can be bullied, or so they think!

Teens who don’t know how to be emphatic tend to be more self-absorbed and less caring towards, not only others, but also towards themselves. So they tend to base life and it’s experiences on the the theme of ‘Whats in it for me?” So excelling in any field, academics or sports or other pursuits is not because they want to, but because they gain something out of it, maybe recognition within the community or awards or just because they want to please their parents. I’ve seen so many cases where children join courses only because their parents told them to or because it is was a prestigious one. A few years after completing the course, they are off doing something completely different! And when such children fail, as life is wont to do, they become miserable and some even take extreme steps!

Teens, who are emphatic, on the other hand, are better at dealing with failure because they see it not a failure against themselves, but more as a learning journey and learn from the process, which stand in good stead for them as they move on in life.

So what do we do with our teens who are probably not as emphatic as we’d like them to be? There are many websites which have excellent tips on how to teach empathy. I’ve summarized a few here:

Allow the child to grow emotionally: As a parent, we love our children, but do we show it to them? Make children very secure about their home environment and let them be very secure in their parents and caregiver’s love and support. When they are secure, they are more disposed to be being caring about others and are sensitive to others’ needs.

Teach children to be resilient: Let them learn from mistakes and allow them to bounce back from distress. As parents, we want to cushion our children against all distress and so we don’t allow them to be pained. Let them be resilient and learn about the realities of life, this will allow them to learn of the others, who may not be as fortunate as they are and so learn to empathise with them.

Model emphatic behavior: A parent is the first teacher in a child’s life and most children model their behavior on what they see their parents, grandparents and caregivers do each day. When the adults in their lives live a life which has empathy for others, it becomes automatic behavior for the child.

Teach always: Every day, every moment is a teaching moment for a parent. So during the child’s daily life, when situations occur, the parent should use it as a teaching moment and teach and allow the child a chance to learn what is good and bad. This also means the parent needs to talk to the child, at his level to get him to understand what is right and what is wrong.

Walk a mile in the other’s shoes: Allow the child or teen to volunteer as often as possible so that they can ‘walk a mile in the other’s shoe’ and try and see the other side of the fence. This way, behavior is humanized and more real to the child, which allows them to open their eyes to the circumstances of others, often which is not in their hands and allows them to respond with empathy to others.

The above are some ways a parent can teach empathy to their child/teen. A wonderful sentence I read while reading about empathy sums up this topic beautifully.

Teaching your child/ teen empathy is like turning their “mirrors” into “windows”. A mirror symbolizes self-centredness, where the child/teen sees only themselves and care only for their own feelings. Windows symbolize empathy, where the child/teen is able to look beyond their own needs and put themselves in another person’s position.

My Greatest Fears as a Parent

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over-protective-parenting-cartoon

I’m not this bad…yet!

Every parent in the world has fears about their children. The world we live in, which is more enabled and intrusive than ever before, has so much negativity and evil, that I know for sure as a parent, I fear every time my children leave the house.

I think my greatest fear, as with that of any other parent, would be losing my children. I can’t even imagine such a scenario and honestly, when such a thought comes to my mind, I usually shy away from it and push it away. It is such a scary thought to me that I can’t even imagine it!

Now that we’ve set aside any parent’s greatest fear, I do have other fears for BB & GG.

One of my biggest fears is that they do not fulfill their potential in life. Both are very smart and intelligent people and have a lot to offer others, but and a huge but, is getting them to understand this. With the proliferation of electronic equipment and smartphones, it is so easy to get sucked up in playing games that you tend to lose focus of what is important and when. At this point in their lives, they need to get a good education which will stand them in good stead and help them reach their potential in life. Today’s world is much more competitive than it was before, especially given how easy it is find out information. What took me a couple of weeks of research to find out can be found out with a couple of clicks today and so you are not just competing (for seats in educational institutions or even jobs) with people in your district, state or even country, but with the millions outside about whom you know nothing about! Irrespective of what that is, I will stand by them, but I just wish I had some way of reaching out to them about not wasting time today about game playing!

funny

Another cartoon which sums up us parents perhaps?

GG is today in a vulnerable age where I sometimes really fear for her. With half-baked information about many things that she learns from her peers, sometimes it becomes difficult to know exactly what she knows which is right and what is wrong. I fear that she will get sucked into peer pressure and start relationships. Both are not interested right now, but who knows when this changes. I read in one of the parenting groups I belong on Facebook, that in one of the class whatsapp groups, someone sent a link to a pornographic site which was clicked by others who liked the link! This may be quite strange to western readers, but I guess Asian parents may see my point. Actually this is true, irrespective of the gender of the child. Adolescence is a time when hormones are in full bloom and this is definitely not the time to be thinking of relationships, sexual or otherwise. I have time and again told BB & GG that they should wait till they are more mature about this. My hope for both is to wait till university when they have their heads firmly in their shoulders, but failing that, to be more mature when dealing with relationships. School, with its pressure may not be the right age to have this in the mix. At the end of the day, I hope if they do get into a relationship, I hope they consider me a friend and are willing to confide in me.

I don’t want them to grow up entitled, behaving like jerks. They are growing up in a a country which is fairly affluent as compared to its neighbors and I have seen first-hand behavior of my countrymen behaving with a huge sense of arrogance entitlement when they travel abroad. I want GG & BB to learn to appreciate the beauty and culture everywhere and know that everywhere in the world there’s a huge opportunity to learn.
These are my top three worries as a parent. I actually have more, but thought, I’ll keep that for another day. What about you? Do you have any worries for your child? I’d be happy to read them….

Chica and Chiki are Brave

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Chica and Chiki woke up with a sense of anticipation. They, along with their friends from the Jungle school were going to be going on a picnic to the new waterpark which had recently opened. They had never been there and so were very excited to go there with their friends and play.

Both quickly woke up and got ready for school, much to the astonishment of their mama, who normally had to prod them to get ready. They quickly got the essentials ready – swimming costumes, towels, soap to clean up later, clean clothes, some food and water and went outside to wait for the bus to pick them up. The bus came with scores of happy children and kissing their mama good-bye Chica and Chiki got in to have the best day of their lives.

They reached the water park and teachers grouped them so that everyone could play in the various areas of the park without creating havoc and so everyone got a chance to play in each of the rides. Chica was initially upset that she was not with her best friend Rumi, but she quickly got over her snit and started enjoying herself.

Lunch time came and the teachers herded the children to have lunch. They also strictly told the children to have a nap after lunch as it was not good to play in the water immediately after eating. The children all obediently closed their eyes and went to sleep. Chiki was not sleepy and so started to slowly open his eyes to see what was happening around him. He found Chica also doing the same thing and both looked at each other started laughing, silently because they didn’t want to wake up the other children and get in trouble with the teachers.

Suddenly both of them heard faint shrieks. It looked like it was coming from the giant water slide. They looked at each other, unsure of what to do. The teachers were still asleep and so Chiki and Chica decided to investigate. They quickly ran towards where the noise was coming from and found Rumi struggling in the water. There were no life guards around as everyone was resting after lunch. Chica tried to enter the water to help her friend, but the water was too deep for her. She quickly made a decision, “Chiki, quickly run and get help and I will wait here with Rumi”. Rumi was scared and crying and her stomach was also paining from drinking all the water.

Chika ran as fast as his little legs would carry him and went back to where the teachers and other children were resting. He ran to his favourite teacher, Mrs. Cat and shook her awake and cried, “Mrs. Cat, please come quickly….Rumi is in the water at the giant slide and her stomach is paining” Mrs. Cat was initially disconcerted and woke up with a start. She started scolding Chiki for being awake when all the other children were sleeping. But then the importance of his words penetrated and she soon woke up the other teachers. Two of the teachers ran to get help and Mrs. Cat and Mr. Hare ran with Chiki to the giant slide.

At the slide, Chica was frantic, Rumi’s cries were becoming fainter and she could see that something was wrong, but she didn’t know what to do. She thought hard, probably the hardest she had ever done, harder than when she thought for exams and suddenly had a brainwave. She tried to grab some of the umbrellas which were strewn outside the slide to help shield people from the harsh sun and tried to throw them to Rumi. “Rumi” she shouted, “Open the umbrella and try to use it as a boat”. Rumi was tired but tried her best to grab atleast one of the umbrellas. She tried hard and just when she wanted to give up, she finally caught one and opened it upside down. She hopped on and soon was floating on it.

By this time, the teachers, with Chiki in their wake, along with lifeguards were at the slide and the lifeguards swam to Rumi and brought her safely to ground. On the ground, Rumi put her down in shame as the teachers started scolding her. With tears streaming down her eyes, she apologized to them, “I am so sorry” she said “I know I was told not to get in the water immediately after eating, but I so wanted to play in the giant slide” She looked at Chica and Chiki and continued “Thank you Chica and Chiki for helping me”.
The teachers also praised Chiki and Chica for helping out Rumi, but they also got scolded for not resting when told to. However, since their misdemeanor meant that they could save their friends’ life, they did not get scolded much.

On the way home, all the children were tired and quiet. Mrs. Cat took the opportunity to teach some life lessons to them and said, “Children today was an important day and we all learnt something. Can anyone tell me what it was”. For a few minutes there was complete silence and then a small voice piped out, “We should listen when our elders tell us something”. “Correct, replied Mrs. Cat. Older people know what they talking about, so when they tell you to do or not to do something like today, they say it from experience. What else?” Noone spoke up, so she continued, “Chica and Chiki also showed bravery when they tried to save Rumi and got help, so if you find yourselves in a situation you can’t handle, get a responsible adult to help you”. All the children nodded their heads as they started to leave the bus, happy with a day well spent!

2016 Sec 1 Week 3 Update

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School has started in earnest now. The children have exercised their Co-Curricular Activity options. BB’s school had three choices and so he chose the Youth Flying Club (one of the main reasons he chose this school), Robotics Club and NCC (Air) as his three choices. He had to go for an interview cum audition for the Flying Club which was run by the seniors. According to BB, there were almost 80-100 students, mostly boys who came for the audition. Hopefully on Monday when the CCA postings are done, he will have gotten the Flying Club as his CCA.

GG’s school had trials and selections for the sec 1 children so that they could have an idea on what the CCA entailed before they exercised their selection. They had to choose 6. She went for Choir trials/auditions this week and as I expected she was selected for it. The choir conductor apparently said she has a nice voice and coupled with her choir experience in Primary school, this was a done deal! She retains her Soprano 1 position, which is the highest singing voice. During this audition, the conductor also called for people to audition to sing solo during the school’s Chinese New Year celebrations and GG was selected for that too! We also received this week a letter from BB’s school, signed by the principal, inviting selected students to be part of their Broadcasting Club. From the letter, it seems that they have selected some students based on their English and overall PSLE results. The club sounds very interesting and will teach students scriptwriting, interviewing techniques as well as pronunciation. Their duties will include hosting duties during school events and also some daily PA system broadcast duties. I think this will be a 1-2 year programme and hopefully this does not clash with his CCA.

 BB will be carrying a full load this year. We also heard news that he has to compulsorily take part in his school’s Maths Olympiad team. Apparently all A* students have no choice in the matter, so that’s one more day that he has to stay back for practice….

 The first full week of school also meant that studies have started and both are starting to see the pressure that is secondary school. We cannot take this year off as the number of subjects increase from four to eight or nine! This on top of CCAs which can up quite a bit of time! CCAs are important in secondary school as you get some points depending on your involvement in it and leadership positions which you can use to shave off points from your O level results. The end of next year (secondary 2) is also streaming year, when students have to choose their subject combinations for their O levels. This pretty much determines what you will do in life as wrong subject choices will impact junior college and/or Polytechnic course applications. Doing well in secondary 1 and 2 will allow you a much broader base from which to choose subjects.

Teenagers and Smartphones

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Last weekend, in preparation for the new school year, we finally caved in and brought GG & BB smartphones – second-hand iPhone 5S’ to be precise. While they’ve been using a phone to communicate to whoever is at home while coming back from school, the phone they’ve been using using in Primary school was an old-school Nokia one as I felt they only needed a phone to communicate with us at home while walking home alone from school and this phone was more than adequate.

However, the parenting forums and facebook groups that I frequented all said that in secondary schools, a smartphone was more of a necessity that a luxury as whatsapp will be the main mode of communication. So after checking out the prices (ouch!), we decided to get iPhones for both of them so we’re all on the same iOS!

The children of today are digital natives – they can’t remember a time when they’ve not been surrounded by technology. They take to technology as if they are born to it and so can’t really understand us parents when we question them on the need for a smartphone while still young. I remember an incident when GG & BB were younger – they were in Primary 3 (around 9 years old) and I was chaperoning GG’s class on a learning journey. I was surprised to see at least half the class with smartphones with them, and of the half around a quarter had the latest version of the smartphone (mostly iPhone or Samsung). Some were carrying versions which were more advanced than me!

There are many pros and cons to giving your teen a smartphone (latest or otherwise). Some of these are:

Pros

Emergencies: Most teens, especially in a country like Singapore travel far from home for school once they hit secondary school. A smartphone (or any phone for that matter) becomes a tool for them to get in touch with an adult in their lives in cases where they get into situations they are not capable of handling. The phone also becomes useful in case they need to contact law enforcement in case of sticky situations with the phone’s geo positioning helping to pinpoint their location.

Tracking: A smartphone helps in parents track where their teen is after school. In our case, I launched the ‘Find Friends’ option on their phones and use it to track them when they get home from school. This is especially useful since they are travelling home alone for the first time in their lives. On their first day of school, I started tracking GG when she called me to let me know she’s left school and realized she was taking the wrong route home and immediately called her to check her location. I was able to track her all the way home and it was only then I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. This is so useful for working parents who do not have the luxury to being at home to make sure their child comes home on time. A parent can also check if their teen is spending time in malls (as seems to be the case of many Singaporean teens) instead of heading home straight from school. This would also be a boon when a parent travels for work and can track their teen even when not in the same country. Imagine the sense of relief the parent feels (I know what that feels like)

Responsibility: Having an expensive phone in their hands teaches teens responsibility. They have to take care of their phone and losing one will not make their parents buy another one as easily. So they start to learn to be responsible. Conversely, they learn about consequences also as when they lose their smartphone, most parents will not replace it and they will have to learn to live without things they are not careful about.

Learn about the world at your fingertip: Having a smartphone is quite useful for a teen, especially if they are students. The whole world is literally at their fingertips! When they have downtimes, your teen can browse the internet and learn so much. Youtube videos teach new skills, TED vidoes are awesome and I can go on and on…conversely, there’s so much smut online that the teen can get sucked into that too…

Cons:

Excessive usage of social media and games: I think all of us are guilty of this – we play games on our smartphones, but teens are especially susceptible to this. Most teens play games that are seen as ‘cool’ and ‘on-trend’ to the extent of not doing anything else the whole day when they are online. They are also very into social media and having x number of friends and followers is of paramount importance to them. Gaining or losing followers could mean the difference in having a moody and sullen teen or a happy one in the family. With a laptop/desktop, this is something that parents can control to an extent, but with social media and games on a smartphone, control is almost non-existent!

Huge Bills especially data: If you give your teen a SIM card with data and they are allowed to use it without any checks, then be prepared for huge phone bills at the end of the month as a couple of hours on Youtube or some of the more data-heavy games can easily use up a month’s data.

Limited attention span: Most teens already have a limited attention span and smartphones feed into this. Instead of getting articulated answers to questions, you will get single syllable answers or worse, grunts instead of words!

Cyber bullying, inappropriate content and predators: Enough said! Giving a smartphone to a teen is giving them a loaded gun! They love to see their face and name online and so it becomes a matter of time when someone posts inappropriate content and this in turn makes them vulnerable to online predators as well as cyberbullying. They need to be taught online posting ettiqutte before handing them a smartphone.

Health Risks: Listening to loud music which will result in long-term damage to their growing earbuds, weight gain due to the sedentary nature of this device as well as the potential radiation effects are all well documented. I’ve also learnt that playing violent games tends to change their personalities. BB has been playing a multi-player game which is more violent than I’d like and I can start to see his personality change – from being a soft-spoken boy, he has started to disobey us and also raise his voice and fight/argue which he almost never did. I am still not sure if this is due to his gaming habit or he is testing boundaries as he goes through puberty.

Managing smartphones

You can give your teen a smartphone and still, to an extent, control their usage. Here are some which we are doing with BB & GG

Smartphone curfew: Every night, before they go to bed or 9 pm (whichever comes earlier), they gave to switch off their phones and hand it over to me to be charged. The phone will remain switched off the whole night and they can switch it on in the morning after they are completely ready for school to check any messages that may have come overnight before switching it off once again. The phones are to be kept off when they are in school as both their schools are very strict about usage within school premises. Disobeying the rules will mean their phone will be taken away by the school and the offender will get detention.

Passwords: I have passwords for both their phones. Even better, since they have the finger scanning password, my thumbprint is scanned into both their phones and even if passwords are changed, I can access phones. Actually passwords can’t be changed without letting me know the new password. If this happens, phone privileges will be revoked.

Social Media: Since BB & GG are not yet 13, they do not have access to social media yet, but when they do, they have to add us as friends and we will vet their social media presence till the time they are mature enough to do it themselves.

Location Tracking: I’ve turned this on for both of them, but this only works when cellular data is switched on, which is normally switched off. I need to figure out a way out of this,

These are some of our smartphone rules at home. We’re also learning as we parent teens. If you have any other ideas on how to manage smartphone usage with teens, I’d love to hear them.