Parenting: Sibling Rivalry

6360543999553273171052441474_fighting_kidsSibling rivalry is a fact of life – ask any parent with more than one child and you will definitely hear episodes of sibling rivalry between their children. No parent would distinguish between their children or play favourites, but in spite of all this, there will be times when one child will accuse the parent of favouring the other instead of them. Bringing up twins is no different. From the time BB & GG were babies, we’ve been very scrupulous in making sure we make no distinction between the two. Even clothes, gifts, books and toys were brought for equal amounts. I used to be very particular that anything I brought for any of them had to be of almost equal cost, even if BB & GG were too young to know any better.

cg536313b261c39But, even when we were so particular about making sure they both didn’t fight much, we were unsuccessful there. GG was the more assertive one, growing up and BB used to give in to his sister most of the time.

siblingrivalryfightclubFrom the time they were born, BB & GG have been compared, consciously or unconsciously, by everyone for every single thing they did – who turned first, who spoke the first word, who walked first, and so on and so forth! Even I used to subconsciously compare them in terms of milestones met, even when I didn’t consciously want to do it. When they went to kindergarten, in the initial months, they were in the same class and this continued even in school. Even after they were separated into different classes, both in pre-school as well as in primary school, teachers would try to compare their abilities, more because each was strong in a particular subject, which the other may be weak in. It was only when they reached secondary school and went to different schools (which was a tragedy initially and then turned into a blessing). In secondary school, GG has come out of her brother’s academic shadow and has blossomed, in both academics as well as in her CCA and has a leadership position in the school.

'Mom! - Kevin's looking at me on Google Earth!'There are times when I tell them to something, for example, switch off their phone and do work, the immediate response would be “what about (the other person)? Has (BB/GG) switched off the phone? He/she is still using it”. It shows up at times when we tell them off for doing something wrong or when one is sulking while being scolded.

There are ways which a parent can manage sibling rivalry:

Make the children accountable for their actions. Even young children can be spoken to in the language they are comfortable with and shown how their actions (verbal or physical) affects their sibling. House rules should be put in place as early as possible and these should be revised as the children grow up which should, in turn, be used to make the children accountable.

806fe727-7e35-48a2-8932-ddc4ea0abd03Stop being a referee. When the children are very young, you can referee them, so that fights do not get physical. But as they grow older, stop being the referee. Set rules about physical touching and then unless they are about to hurt themselves, let them resolve their differences on their own. As part of this, make sure they know the consequences of their actions. Fighting may and will lead to the withdrawal of privileges – especially when dealing with teens – take away things that matter to them, like phones and laptops.

Let them talk it out. This one is a bit difficult, but if you can get the children to talk through why they have issues with their sibling, it may help nip the problem in the bud.

Have one-on-one time with each of the children. Children crave their parent’s time. This is more so for twins, as they have to compete with each other at every stage in their lives for their parent’s attention. Spend time with each of them separately and do something that is special for the child. This will make the child feel special and also increase the bond between the parent and the child.

Spear Cartoon 3720These are some tips on how a parent can minimise sibling rivalry between their children. But at the end of the day, every child is unique, so use the tips that work for your child. Maybe one or more or even none work with them. If you have some other tips that work for your children, I’d love to hear about them in the comments section.

sam-levenson-quote-about-siblings

Financial Literacy for Teens and Young Adults

BB & GG only started getting serious pocket money from the start of this school year. Luckily for us, they don’t really spend the money they get as pocket money, instead putting it in a money box. I’ve told them that at the end of the year, we will tally the money they’ve saved and half of that will go into their bank accounts and the other half is for them to spend.

I’ve also opened a trust savings account for them, this was when they were about a month old. Into this account went all the money they’ve received till date – all birthday money and any money that their doting grandparents and other relatives would give to them on festivals and occasions. I’ve also been putting a small sum into this account every month and over the years this has added up to a good amount. The money in this account is meant for tertiary and other education for both of them and I don’t want them to have access to this account ever!

So that BB & GG learn the importance of a savings account and learn to use it responsibly, I am keen that at least by the end of this year, I open savings accounts for them, these will not be linked to the ones I have already opened for them.

So that they know how to manage their finances, I’ve also been reading up on financial literacy. I actually consider this one of the most important subjects that should be, but is not taught in schools and colleges and so I decided to read up and then go on to teach them the same.

So what exactly is financial literacy? One definition I found and which I felt was very appropriate says, “Financial literacy is the ability to use knowledge and skills to make effective and informed money management decisions”.

Income and Expenses and the relationship between them
To be able to make informed money management decisions, the first thing you need to do is to teach your child what income and expenditure are and the relationship between them. In very simple terms, income is what you earn – your monthly or weekly salary plus anything else you earn when you are not working. Expenditure is everything you spend on. The difference between this is your net profit or loss. Profit happens when income is more than expenses and loss is when the reverse happens.

All expenses need not be bad, some expenses, which you incur to obtain something which will stay with you for a while (that is what we call an asset) is probably good expenses. Examples for this can be buying a house, spending money on learning something new which helps you in your day job or paying for your passion, which in turn is turned into a source of income.

However, not everything you buy that stays with you for a long time is a good expense. Now we bring into the picture a term called Depreciation. Simply put, depreciation is the reduction in value of an asset over a period of time due to wear and tear. A good example would be a car. You pay good money for the car, add to this the various taxes and the maintenance you pay for it over a period of time. When the time comes to sell the car, you would not get even half of what you’ve paid for it, this is depreciation. Another good example is electronic items when you buy them, you pay a premium, especially for some products. Then when the next upgrade comes, your current model is sold for pennies!

Spend, Save, and Share
When you earn, it does not mean that you need to save everything except that which you need for daily expenses and necessities. You should also keep some money to spend on things that you like. However, it is always better to divide your income into two or more buckets – to save, to spend and maybe to use for the less fortunate.

By this same token, if you have multiple goals, you can have multiple accounts in your bank

Saving for long and short term goals
The long term goals will be big goals – like a house, a car etc, medium and short term goals can be holidays, electronic equipment, etc and the daily expense account should be your usual account. As soon as your salary gets credited to your account, transfer the agreed upon percentage to each of these accounts. This is called ‘Paying Yourself First’.

Make sure that your ATM card is not linked to these accounts so there is no temptation to dip into them. Make it easy to see the balance online, but difficult to access it online and through the ATM. This will reduce the temptation to use these accounts as back-ups when you find yourself short.

Since BB & GG are not earning members of society nor have any long-term goals at the moment, all their savings will be for short or medium term goals. I am going to get them to write down their short and medium goals so that they have goals to work towards.

Budgeting
This is perhaps the biggest lesson that financial literacy teaches us and one that is often relegated to the bottom when it comes to personal finance. Anyone who deals with money needs to budget it. And when you are young like BB & GG, it becomes important that they learn this when they just start learning about money so that by the time they start earning decent money, budgeting becomes as essential to them as breathing or eating!

Budgeting is a plan you make each month (or week or whenever you get your income) on how to spend your money. Budgeting is important because it allows you to have a plan for your money and also makes sure that you always have money for things that are necessary and those that are important. It also keeps you on-track for your short, medium and long-term goals in life.

When you go to purchase anything, ask yourself always if you can live without the item. If yes, then go away and do not buy. If the answer is no, then still put it back, but think about it for a week or so. If after a week, you still can’t stop thinking about it, either see if you can afford it or if no, then plan to save it for your short-term goals.
Making an initial budget is quite simple – make a list of all income on one side, and then first move money to your savings, then account for the necessities and what’s left will be your fun money or money you can use for entertainment or for yourself without feeling guilty about it.

If you have basic accounting knowledge and know how to reconcile your own accounts, it will help you in own budgeting and financial planning.

The power of Compound interest
One of the biggest advantages when it comes to financial management, especially for those who start saving early on, compounding your money allows it to grow faster. Compound interest happens when the interest that is accrued to your savings account adds to the money into the account and that interest, in turn, earns more interest.

So for compound interest to be really effective, you need to start saving much earlier, rather than later. Even if you put in small sums, but at regular intervals over a period of time, starting from when you first start working (or even earlier, if possible), then with careful planning, you may even become a millionaire by the time you hit 50 years of age!

Here are some images which show you the immense power that is compounding.

 

As BB & GG grow older and more financially savvy, I want to introduce investing concepts to them. These are all topics for posts which will probably come later as they become more financially lierate.
Inflation

 

 

Secondary 1 Week 30 Update

Another week has gone by and we’re edging towards the end of the year, just a few more months to go now…

GG has her Common Tests from the week after next, while BB does not have Common Tests, what he has are class tests which will account for a percentage of the final marks.

Yesterday evening, we went all the way to Resorts World in Sentosa to watch GG’s school choir team battle it out for the show choir competition called B-Dazzled. GG’s choir did not win, but they did a great job. GG had some lines to sing solo and I was so proud of her. She is the only Secondary 1 student who has any solo lines to sing. There were loads of students from the other schools who were competing to support their mates, but hardly anyone from GG’s school. Also the students in the audience made so much noise, at times it was so difficult to hear the music. 

In addition to the show choir segment, the competition  also included soloists, two sisters who were fantastic! They sang as if we were in an Opera and I can see a great future for them in music. Their voices went to such high pitches, wow! 

Have a great Sunday….

Screentime and Teens

Last week I went to a Parent Support Group in GG’s school and as it is usually the case in such meetings, one of the topics discussed was the amount of time the children spent on their mobile phones and other devices. The meeting in GG’s school was for the lower secondary parents (13-14-year-olds) while the PSG meetings at BB’s school are for all parents (children between 12-16 years old).

One of the biggest gripes that parents had was the excessive Whatsapp messages that seem to come in all the time. I too have noticed messages on their phones, some which come in at 1 pm on a school night! I’ve always wondered why the children’s parents do not seem to have any objections on their children being on their phones so late.

But then that is me. So I read a lot, spoke to people and came to some ground rules before we brought BB & GG a phone when they started the school year.

One of my biggest takeaways was this wonderful app which was recommended to me by a parent from BB’s school. The app is called OurPact and I really love it. Both the parent and child have to download the app and the parent has control over the child’s phone. How the app works is like this – as a parent, you can decide when you want to lock the child’s phone. You can lock/unlock the phone for specific times or even set up schedules for the phone to be locked/unlocked for certain periods of the day and this schedule will be followed all week. The app is available on both iOS and Android platforms.

OurPact is a contract between the parent and the child, but the app will work only if the child is willing to download the app and does not delete it. Also if either the parent o the child does not have access to wifi or data, the app will not work. When the app lock is on, the child can only use the phone to make calls, send messages through SMS or listen to music using the music stored. Whatsapp, Internet browsers, Youtube are all locked until the app is turned on again.

In our home, so far both GG & BB have taken to the app, they grumble when I lock their phones but have not indicated they want to delete the app. We also have other rules such as their phones have to be charged in my room at night and this will not happen later than 9:30 pm (their phones go into lock mode aka sleep time mode then). Most of the time, both will bring in their phones to be charged before 9:30 pm.

I don’t know how long this compliance will last and I will take it as long as I can. Hopefully by the time they insist on having their phones with them 24/7, they would have learned good digital manners. One can only hope and pray, right!

 

 

Secondary 1 Week 29 Update

One more week which was uneventful! BB & GG are settled in school and preparing for the end-of-year exams.

For the first time this year, GG’s school had a Parent-Support Group meeting and even though it clashed with BB’s school meeting, I decided to go for this one as I wanted to meet the PSG folks. In the beginning of the year, I had written to them but had not gotten any response from them.

I also understood that they have parents class Whatsapp groups, again, this was news to me so I am glad I went for the meeting and hopefully I will now become part of the group.

The other day I learnt that GG had been removed from one of her class chat groups. I am not sure why this has happened and have asked her to check with her other friends. If she is being cyber bullied, then I do want to take steps about this.

GG’s competition is at the end of the week and BB also has an aeromodelling competition next week, so they both are going to be super busy this week….